Disclaimer: The term “Wannabe Dom” is commonly used in the BDSM community, both offline and online. This article aims to explain who and what behaviors are meant by it and not to judge people.
Who or what is a Wannabe Dom?
The term “Wannabe Dom” derogatorily refers to dominant individuals who have not truly engaged with the fundamental values, such as SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual), or with the significant responsibility that comes with the role of a Dom in BDSM. Other terms for Wannabe Dom include “Bad Dom,” or “Fake Dom”.
Although so-called Wannabe Doms exist on both sides, it appears that men more frequently earn this title. Less to blame is gender, but rather societal and cultural misalignments and stereotypes that disproportionately affect men.
Common to all Wannabe Doms – regardless of gender – is the abuse of the power entrusted to them.
Distinction from Doms
A good Dom is aware of their responsibility, closely observes the reactions of the submissive person, and acts accordingly. They respect and honor the limits of the submissive partner, guiding them with loving leadership and appropriate strictness, pushing their boundaries and beyond within a consensual framework.
They do not enforce anything, always showing the other person to have control at all times and earning the trust of the submissive person. After a session, a Dom takes care of their Sub, providing support and strength, offering comfort and stability.
The Dom is knowledgeable about the practices and techniques they use, aware of the associated risks, and prepared to implement appropriate safety measures and manage a potential drop.
These attributes are absent in Wannabe Doms. Consent is not important to them. They seek to enforce their own often distorted idea of power without regard for risks or the well-being of the other person. They ignore limits and risks, often using emotional coercion and pressure. Whether this happens out of ignorance or manipulative intent varies.
Are these kinds of people dangerous?
In the German community, the use of the synonym “fresh meat hunter” isn’t just a coincidence, as these so-called Wannabe Doms often target inexperienced beginners to assert their will. This behavior can cause significant harm, especially to newcomers, and tarnish the entire scene with their actions.
Since they often engage in practices without understanding the risks involved, serious injuries can occur during play. This includes improper bondage, striking inappropriate body parts or with incorrect intensity, and most critically, psychological abuse and emotional coercion. They do not (adequately) support subs after a crash.
So, Wannabe Doms are dangerous, damaging to reputations, and not welcome in the community.
How do I recognize such a person?
There are phrases that quickly expose a Wannabe Dom and should immediately raise red flags.
- “A real Sub would do that.”
- “I insist on anal sex. If you don’t want to, I’ll teach you how.”
- “That is not a taboo.”
“You don’t need a safeword/sign.”
- “You don’t have the right to refuse (insert practice here).”
“Someone who doesn’t want to be tied up isn’t submissive.”
- “But you must…”
- “You must not talk to anyone about what we do.”
“I won’t top you if you get covered by someone.”
These sentences are just examples, and the list could indeed go on endlessly. What (hopefully) becomes clear is that someone who isn’t willing to discuss risks, accept boundaries, who builds pressure, and ignores limits is not a true Dom. Be careful who you play with. Be mindful and cautious. Insist on a safeword, especially at the beginning of a play relationship. Seek advice from experienced kinksters if you’re unsure. Trust your instincts. You can find more information on safety regarding this topic here.
How should I behave if I encounter someone like that?
Engage in dialogue with a Wannabe Dom, sensitizing them to BDSM principles, appropriate behavior, and the impression they convey. By doing so, you not only help those acting out of ignorance but also protect others. If someone proves unresponsive, the next step is to inform the immediate kink community about this person to safeguard others.
