Plenty of myths circulate about BDSM. Hardly any outsider has a clear idea of it. How should they? If they have no interest kinky at all, they will not get informed. Furthermore Vanillas they consume what the mainstream media has to tell. Marcel (33) is a fitness economist and has as much to do with BDSM as I do with Borussia Dortmund. So he’s the perfect interviewee to find out: What does a vanilla think about BDSM?
Disclaimer: The answers are of course not representative of a social majority, but rather a possible perspective. We would like to emphasize that this is not about prejudices and generalizations. People who don’t practice BDSM often don’t even know what kinkshaming is and what statements could be derogatory. So please don’t put any of the statements on the BDSM gold scales. We are pleased that someone here is willing to speak to us so openly. This shows tolerance and acceptance, not only for our work, but for the entire community.
Did you yourself have any encounters with BDSM?
Marcel: No, not of a physical nature. Just about friends who tried something like that or television reports after 10 p.m.
What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say BDSM?
Marcel: Images of bound or gagged people come to mind, being used by other people in some form with a whip, stick or something like that a bit – well I say – harassed.
You mean pain is inflicted?
Marcel: I associate BDSM with physical pain – that is, desired pain – yes.
Vanilla basic knowledge – This is what Marcel knows about BDSM
Which roles do you know?
Marcel: I think I know two. That of the submissive person and that of the dominant person. So a submissive person and someone who basically decides and rules over him or her…(thinks)…No, I don’t know any more.
Which BDSM practices do you know, what comes to mind first?
Marcel: Well there are probably hundreds and I know very few of them. Bondage stories where you tie yourself to the bed and use objects like whips or something like that. I’m missing the concepts, the kinds of objects that one deals with.
Do you think BDSM is dangerous? What do you think one must pay particular attention to?
Marcel: Yes, I think so. At least I’ve heard that two people who meet for BDSM agree on no-gos beforehand. There are codes or Safety Words. But if that didn’t exist, then I can imagine that someone might over-interpret their role, especially the dominant role. Then things might happen that the sexual partner really doesn’t like and that could then get out of hand.
How do you imagine a BDSM munch?
Marcel: I’ve never heard of that! But I have my own regular tables with the soccer boys. Now when I project this onto BDSM, I imagine that they also sit together with a beer. Just as we exchange ideas about the recent football games, we’re sure to exchange ideas about the previous BDSM sessions. Maybe you can discuss your experiences with the things you try.
The vanilla script: What is happening?
How does a session unfold in your mind?
Marcel:(laughs) So I’ll jump in here when the two people have already exchanged ideas about these safety codes?
Yes, exactly. Limits have been discussed, and a safeword has been agreed on.
Marcel: One person is definitely tied up and at the mercy of the other. I don’t know whether this takes place in bed or on some device. Then different stages are introduced, perhaps gagging or tying up in a variety of ways. In my imagination, the dominant person also emphasizes the whole thing with orders or expressions of power. The gagged person may scream in pain. The whole thing then goes on until a safe word comes up. I don’t know whether sexual climaxes can actually be achieved with such practices. This is beyond my imagination.
And when the safeword is used or the climax is reached, then the session is over?
Marcel: In my head, yes. Then maybe someone will be unbuckled, everyone will be happy and in each other’s arms.
Dating – similarities and differences
How do you imagine dating among kinksters? Do you think we approach dating differently?
Marcel: I think that the search for partners is very similar. You’ve talked about your platform, and I used to use Lovoo or Tinder. There, I might mention my favorite song, my hobbies, and how I spend my evenings, and then see who might match up with that. I imagine that on a platform like yours, you’d reveal your fetishes and preferred practices and then search for partners based on that.
…and apart from dating platforms?
Marcel: I imagine that would be more difficult. In my opinion, it’s a very small fringe group that does BDSM. In the club, for example, you talk to someone and chatter to yourself. Finding out a specific sexual preference is certainly difficult. I wouldn’t dare just ask about it like that.
A niche group then. Do you think many people in your circle secretly have BDSM inclinations?
Marcel:(laughs) Well, I only know one person who has tried something in this direction. But I could imagine that there are several people in my circle of friends who might have this inclination but have never dared to talk to me about it. Now I’m 33 years old and I’ve never had a conversation like this in my group of boys.
Confronted with BDSM – uncomfortable for a Vanilla?
And if so? How would you react if a friend or someone in your family came out as a kinkster?
Marcel: I would react with understanding and interest. Because I would describe myself as open-minded and I am always striving to expand my horizons of knowledge in different directions. That’s why I think the interview is great, I learn something from it. So I wouldn’t judge him or her under any circumstances. I would rather ask a few questions.
What image of BDSM have the media conveyed to you so far?
Marcel: I think that BDSM is an absolutely wicked topic in public and in the media. The media gives me an image of degenerate sexuality. Even when I talk to people about it, the topic is often frowned upon.
Do you find it uncomfortable when confronted with the topic of fetish and BDSM, for example, on social media?
Marcel: No, I personally don’t mind it. But it also happens very, very rarely because I don’t follow such pages on social media. I have very few points of contact there. But if it does happen, I don’t find it unpleasant because I believe that every person is allowed to live out their sexual preferences in whatever way. But I can imagine that there are many people for whom this is strange.
Forever vanilla – or give it a try?
Pain and pleasure – can you imagine those going together?
Marcel: In my head: No. I too have been able to have sexual experiences in my life, but as soon as pain occurred – even if it was just scratching or biting – the feeling of pleasure was completely gone.
Are there BDSM practices that you as a vanilla might find interesting after all?
Marcel: I bought a little whip and handcuffs because I just wanted to try them out. But I wasn’t thinking about BDSM, but rather “Come on, I’ll just buy some sex toys.”
Would you try BDSM – within your own limits – with your partner?
Marcel: I wouldn’t be completely closed off about it. But the whole thing would have limits. For example, hitting someone in the face is a limit for me. I’m thinking of something like pulling a little whip over your bottom or thigh. And maybe tie the handcuffs a little tighter. But if he or she were to ask me now if I could pee on him or her or slap him, no. Then we would first have a serious conversation about whether that is really her or his wish and what lies behind it.
So, would it feel strange to be asked to do something like that?
Marcel: That would actually seem strange to me, yes. That’s why I’m not in this scene. So that I don’t get misunderstood: I don’t want to judge anyone who wants to do that. But personally it would seem strange to me…(laughs). I guess I’m really vanilla.
Finally, a counter question…
Marcel, thank you for your answers! Do you have any question about BDSM that you’re burning to ask now?
Marcel: YES! One has come to mind. During this interview, I noticed that I don’t have any sexual activity in mind under the term BDSM. When you asked me the question at the beginning, I thought: Okay, there’s a gagged man or woman. There are handcuffs, restraints, whips, and so on. But where is the sexual act, as I know it? Where does it fit in BDSM?
Kitteh: There’s already the situation where no sex occurs during a session. But of course, it can work wonderfully together as well. On one hand, there’s what we call pleasure pain, which means sexual arousal through pain or humiliation. So, someone gets aroused by me, for example, whipping them or humiliating them with certain gestures. That’s just a sexual peculiarity.
There are also very sexual, sometimes completely painless BDSM practices. Chastity, orgasm control, fisting, facesitting, just to name a few. These lead to stimulation and can lead to a sexual climax. So, BDSM can also be a lot of fun on a sexual level.
Marcel: Okay wow. Then after this educational session I’m already a premium vanilla, right?
Kitteh: Vanilla with sprinkles.
Marcel (33) is a fitness economist from near Munich and has had little or no contact with BDSM so far.
