Can I find that hot? Am I allowed to like it? This conflict is probably familiar to everyone at the beginning of their BDSM journey. So does guest author Katharina-Sophie. An inspiring text about inner struggle between curiosity, shame and social chains, in which some will find themselves.
This text entitled “Die Luft zum Leben” first appeared on Katharina-Sophie’s currently paused blog and was made available to Deviance.
It’s been inside you for a long time. You have preferences. You know you need something different. You know that “normal” isn’t enough for you. At some point, the thing gets a name: BDSM!
You’re curious to see what’s out there. You’re scared off and turned on with the question in your head: “Can I find this cool? Can I like it?”
You see societal chains. Chains of morality and decency that surround you and weigh you down. You push the thoughts aside. Your mind says, “abnormal.” But everything within you yearns for it. You educate yourself. You start delving into a world. As unfamiliar as it is, everything that happens within it feels strangely familiar.
You get to know people who are on the same journey as you. See how others live their lives and gain courage. Courage to do the same.
You like things. You allow the thoughts in your head. They are no longer abnormal. They are different. The chains slowly loosen.
Your body, your mind, your soul slowly find each other, find their purpose. You see something new and again this social pressure.
The chains are there. So is the knowledge of the stigmatization. You continue to reject the thoughts. But the longing takes hold of you and again you go further into this world. Step by step. Step by step, your normality changes. No longer determined by society, but by you alone. You slowly start to live.
Intoxicated, you want to know, test, learn and experience more and more.
What you’ve been looking for. What you’ve always been missing, within reach. But far away on the other side.
At some point you realize that theory is not enough. You know that you can only be “you” in BDSM. You feel that you need it. That this is your sexuality. How others are what they are: Trans, Cis, Bi … you are BDSM. Not as a game. Not to set the mood in bed, not at the weekend. Not: “I feel like it today”. It’s you. You need pain, submission, power dynamics, devotion, respect and this deep love.
You learn what this world means. The essence of BDSM. But one more step. You want to take it. You have to take it. Your assumptions come true and you need it. You have fully arrived in the world. This world that has always been yours. This way of life. You understand things that many people can’t comprehend. You get to know love anew and differently, much more comprehensively.
The chains fall and you step out, leaving them behind you. A quick look back, because there will be no going back. You will no longer try to be something you are not.
You have arrived. With yourself and in your being. On the long path of self-discovery, which did not end in yoga, minimalism, GoGreen, a monastery or, at most, tantra, as is socially accepted.
Your world is BDSM, and living it—not playing, not pretending, not competing. Pure existence.
You seek the counterpart. In BDSM, one cannot exist without the other. Yin and Yang, sun and moon, day and night, fire and water.
You’ve reached another level. More than a relationship. Deep trust, pure devotion, pure lust. Boundaries of reality blur, cease to exist. Together, you soar to great heights, discover and experience so much. You understand each other without words, know each other 100 percent, give each other what is needed.
The breath of life in the world of BDSM.
