You’ve made it, your date is set and excitement is building! Whether you met on Deviance, at a BDSM munch, or just out and about, the first meeting always comes with some challenges. One of them is choosing a suitable dating location. On one hand, safety is crucial, while on the other hand, privacy and the ability to talk openly in a relaxed atmosphere are important considerations.
Because you might get your decaffeinated soy caramel latte in a fancy café, but if you want to talk about anal fisting, the other guests are potentially piqued. In return, you might meet a few listeners at the pool bar around the corner who you won’t be able to get rid of.
Basic principle number one: Choose a well-attended dating location
A good rule of thumb is: when you’re surrounded by people, the likelihood of something unwanted happening is significantly lower. Crowd size often acts as a major safety factor! However, you should still consider beforehand how private the space needs to be for discussing intimate topics like preferences, experiences, and needs.
It is therefore best to choose a dating location that is well frequented and where you can have a good and safe conversation. Many student cafes or alternative places have open guests and you can be sure that you can talk without any consequences.
Basic principle number two: Know the place!
Whether you’re going to a restaurant, café or bar with your date, it’s often a good idea to go somewhere you’ve been before. Then you know the way in and out, you’ve seen the menu and the staff before.
Go to the same place more often for first dates, then waiters will remember you and if you ever need help, they will be less inhibited to help you. However, it might not be your favorite bar. Because if you don’t like your date but they like your bar, you might meet more often in the future without having a date.
Which dating location suits me? The pros and cons
Cozy and relaxed: meeting in a cafe
“For a coffee” – now the classic, but the small one around the corner or the reliability of the big providers?
While a large coffee house chain has the advantage of offering a large map that everyone can find their way around and is located in the train station or city center, for example, so you don’t have to be in the immediate vicinity of your home to make an appointment, it is exactly that: a large anonymous chain.
The anonymous atmosphere may not create the right mood to talk openly about your preferences and experiences. Surrounded by typing students and guys in suits talking on their headsets, the inhibition threshold is probably a little higher.
Physical contact is also not always pleasant in such an environment and if you go beyond holding hands, a piece of Swedish design furniture can easily become a barrier. You often have to go back to the bar to get another drink, which can disrupt the flow of conversation.
On the other hand, a cozy café around the corner can score points with a little more intimacy. The atmosphere is often a little more personal, home-made dishes tempt you to share and it’s easier to make out in a well-worn cushion.
If it’s an establishment in a student or family district, the atmosphere is often more relaxed. After all, anything that is a little alternative invites open communication. Regulars’ tables are also often held in such locations, so the operators are already used to certain topics.
However, if there are children there, the FSK 18 topics are either a particular challenge to find code words for practices or you have an evil eye battle with the parents. Nosy waiters who interrupt your conversation every 13 minutes with a critical glance at the level of your drinks can also be a hindrance.
The nice thing about a casual coffee date is that you don’t have to dress super chic or super sexy. Almost all outfits are possible here as long as they are suitable for everyday wear.
Relaxed and intimate: a bar date
Alcohol is always a somewhat controversial topic in the BDSM community. “Don’t drink and kink“, as the saying goes. So first a word of advice: a glass of wine, a beer or a cocktail can lighten the mood and tongue, stimulate the circulation and the imagination, but alcoholic drinks should not be consumed excessively or all the time. After all, you want to get high on your encounter, not to get through it.
Make sure you choose a bar where the music is not too loud, but also doesn’t give you any reason to be embarrassed. Ideally, the music should accompany your date.
Here, a sleek business bar can actually be a good choice, as the crowd tends to be both professional and private. The staff is often more attentive, given the higher expectations of many patrons. However, whether you want to discuss your current finance news alongside your first bondage experience is entirely up to you.
A trendy bar can often get questions about music out of the way – jazz, rock, metal, hipster: the selection alone can open up a conversation that leads you away from the sexual.
Living room bars often have a very intimate setting and atmosphere, perhaps giving the date a false sense of security. A cozy atmosphere often radiates intimacy and may tempt you to make the first move prematurely.
But if Nietzsche and house parties are being discussed at the table next to you, then you can also chat about munches and Shibari. Generally, these locations encourage intense exchanges and invite open conversation.
A bar is a great reason to dress up. If you want to show your best side, you can have a lot of fun here. In most bars, however, you can also be casual and relaxed.
Timeless and classic: dining in a restaurant
A date at a restaurant: romantic, timeless, classic and… not even that good. Not only do you have to consider everything you can already find under cafés, but you both have to like the cuisine. In addition, the bill at the end is usually higher than expected and the question of who should pay it is usually unpleasant.
Also: sit down, choose, order, eat. This process takes time. Bear in mind that you may not feel like or have the capacity to sit opposite your date for so long. A visit to a restaurant can drag on and if you realize after five minutes that you’d rather leave, ordering will inadvertently tie you down. Not to mention that it can become a financial factor.
On the other hand, a restaurant offers many non-BDSM topics to get to know each other better. You can share dishes, exchange opinions on culinary preferences and talk about past experiences.
As a rule, these places are also designed for longer stays. The tables are larger and the eating times are longer than in a bar or café. Restaurants are therefore well suited to long and intimate conversations and in-depth exchanges. For this reason, restaurants are perhaps more suitable for a second or third date after the first date has gone well.
You can dress up in a variety of outfits for a restaurant date, from classic, chic, sexy or casual, many styles are an option. This can also lead to the amusing situation where one of you makes more of an effort when choosing your clothes. Don’t let this put you off, but address it in a humorous way to break the ice.
Moving and outside: in the park
Take a stroll through the city or the park and if all goes well you can still shine with your local knowledge. The advantage of meeting outside is that you don’t have to sit opposite each other like in restaurants and cafés and therefore feel less pressure to talk the whole time.
If there are five minutes of silence while walking, you can always just look around and use something from your surroundings as a conversation starter if in doubt. A walk is also a good way to meet up during the day. Ideally at a time when there are lots of people out and about. This gives you additional security in your surroundings.
The biggest advantage of a stroll date: You’re already going. And if you’ve had enough, you can simply walk away. The nearest train stop is a good starting point.
Going for a walk is also a great opportunity to extend your date, for example by suggesting a coffee, snack or meal after an hour in the fresh air. And if the mood is right, you can also find a few cozy spots outside for some warm touching.
Spontaneous and interactive: joint activity
To the museum, the zoo, bouldering, a reading, escape room, or the cinema. Active dates are cool—they go beyond just conversation and create shared experiences.
For example, you don’t have to worry about topics of conversation. From “Have you already done that?” to “I’ve always wanted to do that”, this date can provide plenty of conversation starters and amusing ideas.
You are usually surrounded by other people at these events, whether they are employees or other visitors. So again, you’re in an environment where you might not be able to talk as freely as you’d like in front of others and at the same time, you’re safe because of the crowd.
Also, if you can get excited about a common topic outside of BDSM, that usually gives you a good basis. You have interests, experience them together and can talk about them together afterwards. But be careful: sometimes you get stuck. Because if you’ve agreed to do this activity, you’ll usually only talk about it.
Dark and wicked: in the club or at a party
The news is hot, ideas are being exchanged and you’re in the mood. Let’s be honest: wanting an intense experience is not reprehensible. So why not go straight to the next kinky party, swingers club or event? The same rules apply as before:
Do you know the location? Guests? The staff? Do you feel safe here? Are there rules and are they followed? How far do you want to go on the first date?
Of course, it can be very stimulating to watch other people go about their business, exchanging ideas and getting turned on, but with a person you’ve never met before, the excitement can sometimes fade. Therefore, make sure that you can refuse and that you don’t put pressure on yourself or make promises that could lead to a bad mood.
The controversy surrounding “playing” on the first date is significant for good reason. Therefore, ensure that you clearly communicate all your limits and pay particular attention to being covered and having an emergency plan in place. Carefully weigh your options and make decisions only after thoroughly considering all aspects. Make sure you can independently leave the event if necessary.
If something goes wrong while playing, most people here know the rules, traffic light system or international safewords. If you call red, mayday or shout for help, you have to act. The thrill of playing, sleeping or simply sharing such an experience with a stranger or even anonymously seems wicked and erotic. But if you want to create a lasting, intense connection, the first date should be more than just a sexy fantasy.
Very private: at home
“Just come over to my place.” We’ve all seen enough TV shows to know: a person’s apartment reveals more about their character than can fit into any chat window.
Cooking together, watching a movie and sitting on your own couch also sounds more than tempting. But you are entering another person’s territory. There are few places where we are as relaxed and confident as within our own four walls. However, this also means that your date’s inhibitions should be correspondingly low and leaving another person’s home because you feel uncomfortable can sometimes be quite difficult.
If in doubt, you can laugh about a dirty bar toilet over a drink. However, if this is the case in your date’s apartment, it’s more likely to go wrong.
You also don’t know whether your date is the next Massimo Toriccelli (alluding to the kidnapping mafia boss from the movie 365 Days) and you can simply leave the apartment again. Conclusion: Your own apartment – be it yours or your date’s – is rather unsuitable for the first meeting. If there’s a spark between you, you’ll spend enough time at home anyway.
Stay flexible!
If you get on so well that you’re on your third coffee, then feel free to change locations. Go for a walk through the city or the nearest park. Move on to a restaurant or a pub, maybe even to your apartment.
If you’re really spontaneous, you can also plan an equally spontaneous activity. The first date is a start. Some will end early, some are just a short experience and some are the introduction to something long-lasting and enjoyable. Set boundaries and goals for the evening, but make sure you don’t commit yourself too much.
