“What do you do? How do you play and what are you actually into?” It’s kind of embarrassing. It tightens your throat. The blood rushes to the head. “Oh God, what is the other person thinking? How do I say this? Am I weird?” No, probably not. But talking about preferences needs to be learned. Not least because there are a lot of clichés within the BDSM scene.
Preferences, inclinations and fetishes that deviate from the mainstream are fairly normal in the BDSM scene. And talking about them too. However, especially at the beginning, it can take a lot of effort, feel unfamiliar and cause feelings of shame. Whether on a date in a bar, a regulars’ table or a casual evening with friends.
Therefore, in this article we would like to give you seven ways to communicate your kinks and tendencies to the people in your life.
1. Name them in your profile text
There are people whose fetish is absolutely necessary for them. It’s the only way you can get aroused or have an orgasm. This can be anything from feet, to plastic wrap, to the smell of mayonnaise. Fetishes are limitless. Therefore, they are a “must have” for them; a relationship without them is unimaginable for these people.
But people who simply value their preferences, for example because it makes them feel happy or relaxed, also like to communicate their turn-ons openly and in advance. This can be done in the first messages, in the profile text or even in the nickname, with clear pictures and in real life also during introductions at the regulars’ table. For example, someone who calls themselves ‘Ropebunny64’ reveals a lot about themselves and will probably be reluctant to get to know a knot refuser.
If your fetish is a requirement for you and not an extra, then feel free to write it in your profile text or in a message. This doesn’t have to be done with lots of exclamation marks or screaming, but can also be incorporated inconspicuously.
“In the last few years I’ve had some captivating experiences in the scene and have realized: nothing relaxes and relaxes me as much as Shibari. That’s why I would be happy to find someone like-minded.”
2. Speak freely and directly about preferences
Short and painless. Sometimes you get to know each other a little before opening your Pandora’s box. But sometimes you just want to explain your own needs clearly enough and test the reaction of the other person. So bring it up in your first conversation about intimacies, experiences, and potential play. However, it doesn’t have to be the first sentence, but should emerge from the course of the conversation.
Most of the time it’s worth saying honestly and directly: “I did that, I liked that, I want to do that again – maybe with you?”
In BDSM, you need to communicate your boundaries and desires clearly. This unfiltered statement often provides the best impetus for practicing together. Or it raises questions that you can work on answering together.
It may feel more like a confession to talk about it for the first time, but once it’s out in the open, it opens up a conversation between you.
“In my last relationship, I had to bring breakfast in bed a few times and had to sit on the floor myself. I liked that and would like to experiment with it”
3. “I’ve prepared something”
Every good craft show has taught us that preparation, references and white craft glue actually save almost everything. We are now so conditioned to perceive things visually that this is the easiest way to get someone’s attention.
Maybe don’t start with your current favorite porn, but one that incorporates your fantasy as a part. Find references that helped you recognize your preference and pass them on. These can also be stories, books or fanfictions. Maybe you found your passion while leafing through a comic? After your counterpart has viewed the material, talk about it. What was good, what was the best scene, what might have made you laugh? Focus on the positive.
Or watch it together. Nothing explains what turns you on like your body and your reaction. Let your partner get excited by your excitement and enjoy it together. You also have the chance to explain which detail makes you particularly hot.
“Hey, in this porn the actor is being choked. I think it’s hot how his breathing becomes more and more intense. You can tell that it turns him on and how the two of them look intensely into each other’s eyes.”
4. Sexy suggestions
Say it during sex or play when there is already excitement in the room. Dirty talk can be a great way to offer new suggestions, and you’re particularly receptive to things in the heat of the moment.
Use it as an opportunity to portray a fantasy that builds on and expands on your situation at this moment. Be careful not to be too explicit and give your partner space to respond and play along.
“Fuck, you feel great – I enjoy your hands on my body. Imagine if we brought in another woman. You could touch us both at the same time, I want to fuck her while she blows you.”
5. Talking about preferences with guidance
One step after the sexy suggestions. After you’ve talked about your fetish, you can essentially guide through a session. You can talk through a scenario together or approach the matter. Maybe you have the equipment for a practice, a piece of clothing or something similar. Simply showing how you have lived it out privately can also illustrate this to your counterpart.
“This is a dilator. I insert it into my urethra. You just let it slide in and sink into it. Maybe you would like to touch it, you can now move it slowly. You can see the metal is now very warm. It looks “It’s just totally awesome.”
6. “Do you actually know…”
We are lucky in the 21st century to have a variety of fetish references to draw from in pop culture, literature and films. Most fetishists discovered their fascination for the first time on television and not on a BDSM website.
Especially if you both know the work, you can compare your different perceptions and thus better explain how your fetish developed.
“In ‘Oops I did it again’ Britney Spears dances in a tight latex suit and she breaks the astronaut’s heart. For me it was pretty hot that this pretty woman in fetish clothes was making fun of this ‘strong man’.”-” I’ve never seen it like that before, but I thought the outfits were cool too. Did you know that the music video references the ending scene of Titanic?”
7. “Let’s play a game!”
Sexuality is not a static, serious topic. Have a little fun before you get down to business. “Never Have I Ever” is the freest version of this game. Here you and your partner ask each other questions and give a signal when you have already done something.
Here’s an example: “I’ve never had oral sex outside before” and if you’ve already done that, you can raise your hand, take a sip, or reveal a card. By giving a non-verbal signal, you don’t have to think about a complicated speech. The game can then easily be continued with “I would like to perform in front of an audience” or “I haven’t done that yet, would you like to try something like that?” Because the game is so informal, you can also play it in a bar or on a night out.
If you would rather have a set of questions, you can take a look at the card game “Say… For Couples”. A great opportunity to get to know each other better and exchange fantasies and wishes.
When one door closes…
No matter which path you ultimately choose, there is no guarantee of success. There’s a good chance your partner doesn’t enjoy your kink, and that’s okay. Work on a common solution. Determine the importance of the matter and don’t get lost in the ongoing discussion. Preferences also grow from one another and with each other.
Maybe your partner didn’t find any enjoyment in your kink, but there are ways to celebrate shared experiences in their own way, whether it’s dirty talk, other toys, or perhaps attending an event. Don’t give up, but try to find a solution that you are both happy with.
