Apparently everything worked out for Deviance: You had a match, you wrote and somehow it was a good fit. The interest is there and a first date has been arranged. But what if you imagined the other person to be completely different? What if there’s simply no momentum, the conversation is sluggish and it’s just not right? That’s also part of online dating. But nobody has to waste their time on bad dates. You can also end a date prematurely. As long as you remain fair and honest. Here are a few approaches.
Right from the first impression – flight reflex
Even though we try very hard at Deviance: Online dating is superficial. The first impression online is created by photos. Or not, if none are published in the profile. That’s why the first meeting is an absolutely key moment. A photo is a snapshot and the reality can often be somewhat different, sometimes even very different. If you don’t like the look of your date at first glance, you need to consider whether it makes sense for you to continue the meeting. However, if you see a completely different person than the one you arranged to meet, alarm bells should start ringing.
But how do you say “goodbye” before you’ve even said “hello”? It’s best to speak up right after the greeting. Say that you were really looking forward to the date, but that you imagined the other person to be completely different. Stay friendly and never be dismissive. Express yourself objectively: “Unfortunately, you’re not my type at all. I had a completely different idea in mind when we wrote.” If you want to end the date at this point, be clear and firm: “I don’t think our date is a good idea and I’m saying goodbye again.”
Shallow banter instead of a common wavelength
It’s rare for a conversation to flow like champagne after Formula One on a first date. However, if you can’t get past the small talk or an awkward silence sets in, neither of you will enjoy it any more. Saying this doesn’t make you the bogeyman. Maybe the other person is even of the same opinion, just less resolute. Then you’ll be doing both of you a favor.
Don’t blame your date for the failed communication. But you don’t have to take the blame either.
For example, you can say: “Somehow it was easier for me to write to you. Too bad it didn’t work out so well in person.” Or more clearly: “Does this banter feel just as awkward for you as it does for me? Then it’s best to end it at this point.”
Regardless of how and why you end a date, try to appreciate the other person’s effort in the end. Perhaps give him or her a compliment anyway or at least thank them for the time they have invested in your date.
Excuses to end a date – yes or no?
Making an excuse is of course the easiest way to get out of an affair. Suddenly the child is sick, an unbearable headache sets in or the stove at home might still be on. And then you can run away! Basically, excuses are not reprehensible as long as they are not too flimsy. Because if your date finds out immediately, it can be taken as derogatory or even insulting. So be careful!
Another disadvantage of an excuse is that your date will still think they have a chance of getting to know you and giving you a second try. So even with an excuse, you can’t avoid talking plainly in the long run. However, if you don’t have to look someone in the face, it might be easier.
Ultimately, you should really only use an excuse if you don’t know what else to do. After all, you would surely want your date to be honest with you, even if it doesn’t work out.
…and if you need to get yourself to safety:
Although we prefer not to imagine this scenario, we would like to give you some tips for this too. Because unfortunately – whether you’re a kinkster or not – there aren’t just people out and about who mean well by you. That’s why you should always get yourself covered on your first blind date. You can find more safety precautions for your first kinky date in these “Eight tips for your safety when dating”.
As soon as you feel uncomfortable or pressured with your date in any way, your gut feeling makes you uncomfortable or you notice red flags, you should end the date.
You can be very firm here: Don’t give the other person the chance to change your mind. While you are telling him or her that you are leaving now, you can put on your jacket and stand up. Speak quietly and loudly so that people around you can hear you.
If the other person tries to stop you, grabs you or follows you, seek help immediately. Turn directly to the people around you and inform them of your emergency situation. Delete online contact as soon as possible and block the person on all channels on which you have been communicating.
