Desires and BDSM fantasies can sometimes be pretty wild. But author Margaux Navara, especially for beginners, wants these requirements not to be fulfilled at first. Because they often differ from reality.
The text entitled “BDSM for Beginners – About Wishing and Wanting” first appeared on her blog of the same name “Margaux Navara” and was made available to Deviance in the original, which is why it is not written in a gender-neutral manner.
Imagine the following situation: You feel a tendency within you that you learn to call BDSM after reading/seeing/hearing something about it.
This tendency is expressed in intense dreams/daydreams of submission, of pain, of pleasure. The scenarios get pretty wild. You want to be forced to do things that other people might consider perverted or abnormal. You want to be kidnapped and taken against your will. You want to be hit, feel incredible pleasure, and then be taken. You want to be tied up until you are completely defenseless and at the mercy of a person who can do whatever he wants with you. You want to submit to someone else’s will without being allowed to decide for yourself. You don’t want to be “taken” at all, so you definitely don’t want to achieve consensual sex with a loving partner with tenderness and long foreplay, who gently rocks you to a climax from which you just as gently sail back down again.
Many Subs have similar ideas that somehow form in their brains. So far so good.
And now? This is not about the question: How do you find a Dom? The question is:
Do you really want that?
Okay, now it sounds like I’m doubting this longing. No, I do not do it. I felt that way myself. Maybe it should be: Do you really want what you have in mind? I think of the saying:
Be careful what you wish for!
Do you want exactly what you imagine?
Do you want a stranger to pounce on you, take/hit/humiliate you just like that? I don’t think so.
Do you want someone to come along and hit you, maybe subdue you with punches, just to have fun with you? I don’t believe.
Do you want a man to just penetrate you without you being prepared, fuck you and then leave you there without taking care of you? No. I do not think so.
That’s exactly where the problem lies: How do I reconcile my fantasy with reality? There are two possible scenarios: you currently have a partner or you don’t.
You have a partner
If you have one, you could go there, tell him about your desires and live them out with him. Which means that he should now, for a certain time/forever, turn into a person who beats you, who uses you, who subordinates you to his will. Sounds strange? It is, especially for your partner. At least I don’t know anyone who does/has done something like that at the push of a button.
I had this situation myself. Now he can do it and so can I. After many years, I can let go when we “play” (yes, I know the word doesn’t fit, but “having a session” sounds like planning and scheduling, which we don’t have). And most importantly: He can do it too. He can “let off steam” because he knows how far he can or wants to go or how much I can tolerate and then a little more. We do not stagnate on our path, but rather develop further each time.
Back to the “inexperienced” partner who is confronted with these wishes. How many say no to that?
How many people look at you sideways or laugh awkwardly or wave their hand in front of their face in the “you’re crazy” gesture?
A lot, I’m afraid I have to tell you.
Then you are faced with the choice of separating, living out your desires outside the home or simply burying your desires inside yourself. That’s not what this is about, as said above.
My main point is that you don’t expect your partner to turn into a (perfect) dom from now on, if he shows any interest at all. That does not exist. No Dom is born. There are people with a tendency to dominate, but that doesn’t mean that these people know exactly what they should/are allowed to do or even want to do from the start.
What applies to a Sub also applies to a Dom.
He has wishes, ideas, concepts that he now has to reconcile with reality.
So if you are as lucky as me in that your partner turns out to be dominant and just hasn’t dared to live it out (sounds stupid, but just remember the social convention: men don’t hit women!), even then you will You don’t have a dom standing in front of you who suddenly kidnaps you/takes you by force/beats you/ties you up/fucks you instead of having loving sex with you as before.
Sorry to say it like that, but it is true. Nobody lets out the animal within them from one second to the next, the Dom, the gentleman, the wolf or whatever. If that were the case, I would be very suspicious of this person because that would mean that he is mentally unstable, which I don’t like and would seem rather dangerous.
And the same applies to Subs: Even if you have deep trust in your partner, you shouldn’t expect to immediately feel enormous submission that will make you sink into subspace.
Please don’t be unrealistic, don’t expect too much. Don’t be disappointed just because the first game together doesn’t immediately fulfill all the wishes you had in your imagination.
You don’t have a partner
Harder? Lighter? Who knows? It depends on how you approach the search, whether you naively fall into the hands of every would-be dom or whether you prefer to be cautious.
The fact is that even after x number of conversations and agreements, you won’t immediately experience what you imagined. Not even with an experienced Dom. How are you supposed to let go when you react to him for the first time?
In addition, you probably/hopefully don’t want to live out a rape fantasy with him for the first time. So you won’t experience what you imagined. You can still have a great session, you can feel pleasure from the pain, from the humiliation, from the submission, but you won’t get what you dreamed of.
And that’s good! A man who takes a woman against her will is not a dom, but a rapist. So a sensible Dom will not be able to fulfill your fantasies.
BDSM is ultimately a game. The consensus game. You can give the Dom your consent to do certain things with you, but you can’t let him do anything against your will because that’s just not okay. That’s exactly what you need to understand, even though that’s probably exactly what you want. Do you want to be subjugated, do you want something to happen against your will? Sorry, you won’t and shouldn’t get that.
The magic word is: compromise
I wish you to find your match, the sub/dom/domme/whatever you desire. But unfortunately I have to tell you: the probability is slim.
That’s why you have to compromise. You just have to bury certain wishes and get others fulfilled that you didn’t even know about.
A BDSM partnership is a give and take. Not just taking. Not just enduring, not just passivity.
Over time, you will realize that you may not want to live out the fantasy of being taken by strangers. You can still include them in a game, but with men your Dom has chosen that he knows. Or the kidnapping. Even if you know it’s your partner who’s kidnapping you, just going for it will give you the thrill. Fantasy is part of it. Head cinema. Empathy, a bit of acting, the more extreme these fantasies become.
Then you will get what you want. Without breaking or causing actual damage.
