What is a limit?
A limit, in both literal and BDSM contexts, describes a boundary. There are hard and soft limits, which exist for both the Sub and the dominant player: they define the framework within which play occurs. Therefore, it is crucial, especially at the beginning of a play relationship, to discuss not only fantasies and desires but also individual limits openly and early on.
Why is there a distinction between hard and soft limits?
Hard limits describe boundaries that are inviolable. In other words, they can be considered taboos. Taboos or hard limits are entirely dependent on the individual. What might seem like a harmless practice to one person can be an absolute no-go for another. A good example of this is bondage. If a hard limit is crossed, the safeword signals an immediate stop.
Soft limits are boundaries that can be gradually explored or experiences that have not yet been tried and should be approached with caution in a relationship. This could include, for example, anal sex if one partner has no prior experience with it but is open to considering it.
How do I deal with the boundaries of my counterpart?
With hard limits, regardless of whether it is a Top or Bottom limit, there is only one adequate reaction: acceptance (see also: consent). Hard boundaries are not discussed, and no attempt is made to convince or persuade the other person. If it is unavoidable for you that a certain practice is carried out, but it is a hard limit for your partner, you should better look for another teammate.
Soft limits signal a certain willingness on the part of the other person to try the experience, but they remind you to be particularly careful when doing so. It means entering new territory that requires a corresponding amount of responsibility and sensitivity.
Do only Bottoms have limits?
No. Of course, people playing top can also have taboos or limits and reject practices. Unfortunately, this is often overlooked. Nevertheless, a boundary must be respected.
Can limits shift?
Yes. Soft limits in particular shift over time. They serve to show your partner which experiences are new or should be tried out carefully. However, they are not completely taboo. These soft boundaries should be discussed again and again, but without trying to persuade the other person. How do you currently assess your limits? How do you feel about the pace of new experiences?
Even hard limits can shift over time. What may seem taboo to a person at the beginning of their BDSM journey, like golden showers, might become appealing in the future. It’s important for the individual to openly communicate how their views are evolving. If their perspective changes, they should inform their partner accordingly. However, this should be done without pressure or expectation.
Whether boundaries shift depends largely on trust and shared experiences. Only those who respect taboos can experience how boundaries are shifting. When you are given this trust, it is something very special.
