BDSM should lead to pleasure, ecstasy, fun and relaxation. But sometimes things go wrong or the mood changes during or after the game. A drop can happen even if all the SSC rules have been followed and you are actually already a well-rehearsed team. And it can happen to both dominant and submissive players.
We would like to give you some possible approaches for dealing with a dom drop/sub drop. There can never be a guideline or one-size-fits-all solution. Each of us has different needs, especially in sensitive moments. So take this list as a suggestion and see what works best for you.
1. Closeness after the drop
Similar to the usual aftercare after a BDSM session, physical closeness is also good for many people after a drop. Ask if this is desired. Take the other person in your arms, make him or her comfortable and exchange caresses. This is not about sexual arousal but about making your partner feel safe.
2. Addressing physical needs
BDSM can be incredibly exhausting. Our bodies also play a major role in a crash. Make sure that physical needs such as warmth, cooling, sleep, thirst, hunger, pain relief and rest are taken care of during a drop.
3. Distance after the drop
Closeness is not always desired during a drop. It is just as normal to need more space for yourself in an emotional situation.
Physical distance
During a drop, make sure you ask if it’s okay to hug your sub or dom now. If not, you don’t have to leave the room straight away. Instead, lie down or sit at a distance from your partner and ask if it’s okay. Even if touching is often “too much” during a drop, your physical presence can be beneficial. However, also accept it if your partner asks you to leave the room or wants to withdraw. There is also the option of just touching hands, for example.
Distance from BDSM
It’s often good to distance yourself from the whole BDSM topic during a drop. Clear away your toys, take off your outfits and put them away in the wardrobe for the time being. Remove BDSM-related items if possible. It can also help to leave the room you were playing in.
Distance from the play partner him/herself
In some cases, the person who has crashed may want to withdraw from their dom or sub. In this case, it is very important to discuss this “break” with each other beforehand, even if it is difficult. Set a period of time during which you will refrain from contact. It is best to plan how you will resume contact. Example: “I would like to have this weekend to myself to think about what has happened. Let’s talk on the phone on Sunday evening and talk about it.”
Even if a drop was so devastating that you decide you no longer want to play together: Ghosting is not a good solution. Even in this case, you should talk about it.
4. Distraction
Even if we don’t recommend suppressing a drop, distraction can be a temporary solution. Especially if you are not yet ready to deal with your feelings immediately. Go for a walk, preferably in the fresh air in the sun. Cook or watch a movie. Listen to a podcast or read a book. Much of this can also be done together, with more or less physical closeness.
5. Self-reflection and communication
You should not simply suppress a drop, but allow, accept and classify your own feelings. There are various ways to do this:
Write it down
Take a piece of paper and a pen and write down how you feel. This may sound strange, but it often helps to give emotions a name. Writing helps to structure thoughts. The result is almost irrelevant. The writing does not have to be shown to anyone and can also be destroyed afterwards.
Drop as a signal for new boundaries
A drop can also be a signal that something has gone too far during the session. Use it as an opportunity to set new boundaries. If the cause of the drop is defined as a new limit, this takes away the fear that the crash will happen again.
Communicate with each other
This doesn’t have to happen immediately. Nevertheless, it is very helpful to talk about the drop at the right time. This way you can show understanding and perhaps even clear up misunderstandings. By talking openly, you show that a crash is not taboo and take away the threatening nature of the topic.
Exchange with others
Talking within the scene or with other understanding, objective people can also help. Especially if you are reassured that you are not alone with these emotions. You are certainly not the first person to have crashed. Listen to how others have dealt with it.
6. The next session after the drop
In equestrian sport, the motto is: “After a fall, you should get back on the horse as quickly as possible.” Of course, this should only be applied to BDSM to a limited extent. Nevertheless, you don’t have to be afraid of the next session.
Plan something that makes you feel particularly safe. Stick to the basics and the practices that you particularly enjoy. Before the session, consciously talk about limits, your consensuality and ask questions. Don’t make the session too long or too intense at first, but make adjustments if necessary. Just be extra mindful. And don’t let a drop take the joy out of your kinky side.
