For International Women’s Day, members of the Deviance team introduce themselves and share what drives them. This time: Author KatKristall, who found her own unique path between her personal conception of dominas from late-night ads and caricatures, and her fondness for cat ears and frills.
Who is Kat?
I am a young woman in BDSM. That’s always been the case, and it still is. It makes me desirable but also vulnerable. I’m curious with an educational mission. I may generally be “too young” for everything, but I’ve been around the community long enough to serve as a wise old dictionary and still miss out on “the real good times.”
Self-image vs. cliche
When people think of a Femdom, they often picture a 6’1” Amazon, graceful yet strong. She struts in 8-inch heels, with real model proportions, her hair tied in a strict ponytail. Her cheekbones could be the gateway to Gondolin. Then she commands her kneeling Sub in a soft voice, and with the precision of an action hero, they melt into submission. Finally, they bow in humble obedience.
And then there’s me. At barely six centimeters above average height, I’d probably be chilling in Minas Tirith. I like to make Star Wars jokes during sessions, adore cat ears (especially on me), and can recite the Pokerrap from memory. No, this isn’t an ad for me, as realizing and accepting this wasn’t easy.
My concept of dominance was shaped by James Bond, Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra, and cliched 1960s caricatures mixed with late-night sex ads.
You know, the one where a dominatrix says in a stern voice “CALL ME!” says into the camera.
These people were far from the image I had of myself. So, in my early days in the scene, I wandered around with absurd inflated arrogance, hoping to cover up my own insecurity. Because too often, I was mistaken for being submissive, laughed at, and lectured. As a young woman, I just needed to meet the right person who would show me my place.
At that time, I banished a lot from my wardrobe. Ruffles, cute accessories, and over-the-knee stockings didn’t seem to fit a rigorous Femdom persona, right? I stopped wearing necklaces after I was asked if my “master” had given them to me. My younger self thought too much about how others perceived me. I was aggressive and sulky when labeled submissive, too young, unstable, or simply too cute. I was outwardly confident, daring, and bold, but not really at peace with myself. As long as I could act tough, no one would mislabel me.
From rebel to emperess
It didn’t magically click. Completely caught up in my puberty, I had to find a self-image from which I could draw strength and security. Meanwhile I show my cuteness, I like the contrast. I have found my way.
My contradictory preferences are something I draw strength from. They are things I celebrate.
Maybe I’ll never look like the caricature in my idealized vision, but that’s what makes me a good Domme. Plus, I’ve found people who look beyond their own clichés of Dommes, dominatrices, Femdoms, and dominance. People who appreciate my “Nyaa” and “Thihi” just as much as every sharp command. People who share my fondness for role-playing. Not everyone wants to replace the strict teacher with the mean student, or have a dominant queen instead of an authoritative princess, or can handle when the “housemaster” gets orders from the maid. But this is my BDSM, and it works wonderfully for me.
You can’t learn to walk without falling down
So instead of fixating on a rigid image dictated by media and my mind, I’m trying to become my own role model.
Because I entered the scene at a young age, I walked through open doors and into solid walls. But I also got up, educated myself and gained experience. Gonna catch them all!
I share those now, handing out band-aids and padding. A knee guard and helmet can work wonders. I want to create a sense of security. To give people the self-confidence to say “No!, Forget it!” and “Ciao, CaCao!” to others, and to have the right to do so. To recognize red flags, to be covered, and to stand up for oneself.
A certain fondness for collecting equipment, attending parties, traveling to sex shops, being a kinky tourist, and sticking my fingers into everything has, of course, helped. I’ve worked as a camgirl and Findom, written a pet play cookbook, spoken in podcasts, blogged, tweeted. I also appear publicly with my face as a BDSM example. I consider myself the Magical-Cat-Girl of my own story, just in latex and pleasers. And I beat up my “villains” in mutual consent.
That’s why I decided to write for Deviance. I got the chance to open my big suitcase of shame and give people knowledge that wasn’t available to me at the time. To be a femdom who doesn’t think of herself as an untouchable astral figure, but rather one who appears more human without losing her dominance. To pull a stick out of our anal community’s ass and sprinkle glitter on it. Cheers!
