For International Women’s Day, in this series the members of the Deviance team introduce themselves and tell us what drives them. This time: Author KatKristall, who chooses between her personal idea of dominatrixes from late night commercials and caricatures and her love of cat ears and ruffles has found her own way.
Who is Kat?
I am a young woman in BDSM. It’s always been that way, it’s still that way. That makes me desirable, but also vulnerable. I am inquisitive with an educational mission. In general, I’m too “young” for everything, but I’ve been in the scene long enough to be considered a precocious encyclopedia serve and still have missed “the real good time”.
Self-image vs. cliche
When one thinks of a Femdom, they often imagine a 1.85m tall Amazon, equally graceful and strong. She strides in her 20cm high heels with real model proportions, her hair tied tightly in a ponytail. Her cheekbones could be the ticket to Gondolin. Then, with her perfect lips, she breathes a command to her kneeling counterpart, which, in a few words, with the precision of an action hero, leads to subby meltdown. Finally, there is a bow in humble obedience.
And then there is me. Just six centimeters above average, I would probably rather chill out in Minas Tirith. I like to make Star Wars jokes in sessions, I like cat ears on everyone (especially me) and I know the poker ap by heart. No, this isn’t an advertisement for me, because this realization and self-acceptance wasn’t really easy for me.
My picture of Dominance was characterized by James Bond, Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra and clichéd caricatures of the 1960s coupled with late-night sex commercials.
You know, the one where a dominatrix says in a stern voice “CALL ME!” says into the camera.
These people were far from the image I had of myself. Therefore, I roamed the scene in those early days with an absurdly inflated arrogance, hoping to cover up my own insecurity. Because all too often, I was mistaken for submissive, all too often patronized and lectured. As a young woman, I just had to meet the right person who would show me where my place was. At that time, I banished a lot from my wardrobe. Because frills, cute accessories, and over-the-knee socks don’t really fit a rigorous Femdom, do they? I stopped wearing necklaces after being asked if my Dom had given them to me. My younger self thought too much about my outward perception, was aggressive and grumpy when labeled as submissive, too young, unformed, or simply too cute. I was deliberately self-confident, daring, and cheeky, but not really at peace with myself and my identity. The main thing was to act tough so that no one would ever misinterpret me.
From rebel to emperess
It didn’t magically click. Completely caught up in my puberty, I had to find a self-image from which I could draw strength and security. Meanwhile I show my cuteness, I like the contrast. I have found my way.
My contradictory preferences are something I draw strength from. They are things I celebrate.
Maybe I’ll never look like the caricature in my ideal image, but I’m a good Domme. I also found people who look beyond their own clichés of Dommes, Mistresses, Femdoms and Domination. People who appreciate me for the “Nyaa” and “Thihi” as much as for any sharp instruction. Who also share my love of role-playing games. Because not everyone wants to replace the strict teacher with the mean student, have the imperious princess in front of them instead of the sublime queen, or can handle it when the actual “master of the house” receives instructions from the maid. But this is my BDSM and it works great for me.
You can’t learn to walk without falling down
So instead of fixating on a rigid image dictated by media and my mind, I’m trying to become my own role model.
Because I entered the scene at a young age, I walked through open doors and into solid walls. But I also got up, educated myself and gained experience. Gonna catch them all!
I’m sharing them now, handing out plasters and padding. A knee pad and helmet can work wonders. It is important to me to create a feeling of security. To give everyone the confidence to say “No!, Forget it!” and “Ciao, cocoa!” to say to the other person and to be allowed to do so. Red Flags to recognize yourself to let it be covered, to stand up for yourself.
A certain tendency towards collecting equipment, attending parties, traveling to sex shops, being a kinky tourist, and sticking my fingers everywhere certainly helped there. I’ve worked as a camgirl and Findom, written a pet play cookbook, spoken on podcasts, blogged, tweeted. I also appear publicly with my face as a BDSM example. I consider myself the Magical Cat Girl of my own story, just in latex and pleasers. And I spank my “villains” in mutual consent.
That’s why I decided to write for Deviance. I got the chance to open my big suitcase of shame and give people knowledge that wasn’t available to me at the time. To be a femdom who doesn’t think of herself as an untouchable astral figure, but rather one who appears more human without losing her dominance. To pull a stick out of our anal community’s ass and sprinkle glitter on it. Cheers!
