” ‘to cover’ in the context of dating refers to securing oneself through informed third parties. This is rarely done today by an old-fashioned chaperone but rather by a trusted person who is informed, along with some thoughtful strategies and a mobile phone. Because issues with dates can happen to anyone, regardless of sexual orientation or gender. No one can be 100 percent sure.”
This post first appeared with our friends from JungeSMünchen and was kindly provided to Deviance.
What the person who covers should know
The guardian angel should have the important points written down – this is very helpful for possible handover to the police. A copy of an ID can also be useful for quick identification. Covering provides a certain level of protection but cannot replace healthy self-assessment and thoughtful action. The informed person does not necessarily need to know that it is a date with someone from the BDSM community, but it greatly helps the situation. And: The best guardian angel is of no use if the phone battery is dead or there is no reception at the location.
What to tell your guardian angel:
Place and time of the meeting
- Your mobile number
- Information about the people involved
- Contact numbers for the police and people to be informed
- Code words that signal a distress call if you are in trouble can be both open and covert: “Please feed the dog” to “Yes, everything is fine”.
The process
- The guardian angel calls at one or more previously agreed times.
- If the code word is mentioned, the emergency plan kicks in and the police are called.
- If things are going well, the scheduled calls will still be made.
- It is very good if you arrange another call the following day – also as feedback and to plan further dates.
Protect yourself in advance
Giving out personal details on internet platforms, chats and the like can always lead to problems. Your full life story and postal address are certainly not necessary for a first casual meeting – and should not be given out.
- Maintain a healthy skepticism about personal information from your counterpart. Especially behavior and personality can present themselves completely differently in real life than the person portrays themselves online.
Also, pay attention to so-called red flags, which are problematic statements or behaviors from your date.
- You are relatively safe from stalking if you do not provide any real information about your name and address: Remember that stalkers are difficult to get rid of and they could become a real threat!
- Make a phone call before the first meeting. Use a public telephone, your cell phone or a voice-over-IP service such as Skype. Even though landline connections are rarely used anymore, we would like to point out that they should not be used as they reveal a lot about you.
- Before the date, mention that you’ll be covered and that you’ll be sharing details about the date. This acts as a deterrent. Anyone who advises against covering is definitely not a good date and likely has ulterior motives.
Get a cover on-site
Bad meeting places include: public parks, the great outdoors, parking lots or hotels. Your date’s car should also be a taboo. Politely decline even the most gallant offer to pick you up or accompany you home. No matter whether with or without a car.
The first meeting should generally take place in a well-attended, public place such as a café or restaurant. Good transport connections and a suitably early appointment are an advantage if you want to leave the town and, for example, don’t have to wait a long time for a train connection. Briefly informing the bar staff that you are going on a blind date is also good insurance so that they will react quickly to intrusiveness.
On the first date you should hold back enough so that you have time to think about the next date. Especially when there are doubts, a night’s sleep helps to give structure to thoughts and feelings.
Covering when it comes down to business
Do you trust your date and would you like to meet him or her in a more intimate setting? Would you like to take the opportunity to finally play or have sex? Even if you’ve seen each other many times before, definitely get covered again the first time you play.
- Many people behave very differently in such an environment than they do in public.
- Your guardian angel can only react adequately if the location is known. So don’t get involved in the “spontaneous idea” of changing locations.
If you want to play together, discuss the safe word beforehand. Communicate in detail in advance about your wishes, expectations and, above all, boundaries.
- Make sure your date knows the most important safety rules.
Both of you should refrain from alcohol and drugs.
- Make sure that you are not given any drugs or knockout drops.
- Drinks you and your date have should come from the same bottle.
Avoid using immobilizing play variations like bondage or gagging.
If, despite all the precautionary measures, something goes wrong and you need help, you will find suitable contact points and experts here who will support you in an emergency.
