It is still not normal to talk about sex, about needs, fantasies and desires. On the one hand, because it is still dismissed as unsexy or not sensual if sex is not completely intuitive and spontaneous. On the other hand, because many people find it difficult to reveal their most intimate thoughts for fear of rejection. Our own shame, which is socially instilled in us, also inhibits us here. If you are also into BDSM and kink, the whole thing becomes even more messed up.
Especially if we don’t know how another person feels about the subject, we often don’t dare to approach him or her about it. It doesn’t matter whether we are just curious and want to try BDSM with our long-term partner or whether we already have a lot of experience ourselves and want to feel out our new acquaintance. The question is and remains the same: what’s the best way to broach the subject?
The good news: it doesn’t cost anything to ask. The important thing is that you always remain respectful and don’t overstep the other person’s boundaries. Here are five tips on how to approach your partner about BDSM.
1. What’s your stance on the topic?
Never assume that someone is open-minded about BDSM, but first ask how he or she feels about the topic and whether he or she is okay with you talking about it. Only when you receive a clear “yes” can you say why you are bringing up the topic that moves you.
Confronting someone without warning could set off triggers. But even if someone isn’t interested in BDSM for no particular reason, it’s important to accept that. The same applies if the person doesn’t respond. If it’s really important to you, don’t ask more than once. “Hey, I mentioned something about BDSM earlier, but you didn’t respond. It’s okay if you can’t relate to it. I’d just like to know if I can explore the topic with you.”
Because consent starts with talking. Imposing your needs on someone in an intrusive and aggressive way signals to that person that you don’t care about his or her safety.
2. Phrases to start a conversation
Okay, but how do you introduce the whole thing without directly crossing a line? “I’ve been reading a bit about BDSM and kinky sex lately. How do you feel about that?” could be a harmless way to start. Or how about: “Have you ever thought about trying BDSM?”
In existing partnerships, such a request can quickly lead to uncertainty on the part of the partner. That’s why it’s important to proceed with particular caution: “Our sex life is great as it is, but I’d also be a little curious to try something from the BDSM area. What do you think of it in general?”
Thanks to the wide range of movies, series, books and the presentation on social media, BDSM has gained presence. So if you want to build a bridge with visual support, you can suggest such a movie, show a picture on your feed or even one of our articles. This way, your counterpart won’t feel directly confronted.
3. Be curious, not demanding
Never start a conversation with the assumption that someone is submissive or dominant. And never start a conversation with the assumption that someone is even your sub or dom. Instead, ask the person whether he or she has ever dealt with this before and if so, whether he or she can identify with one of the sides or feels the attraction to move towards it,
4. Focus is on the person
Even if the person has indicated that they have dominant or submissive tendencies, this does not mean that you are now in a power imbalance. Nor does it mean that the person can be equated with their (potential) role from now on. Because the other person – whether you’ve just met them or not – is not there to satisfy your needs, but is a person with their own needs, preferences and boundaries that need to be explored.
Therefore, treat him or her with respect and not just as an object of your (sexual) desire and try not to focus the conversation solely on sex or kink, but concentrate on the person. The better you know each other and understand each other as people, the better your experiences together will be afterwards.
5. Try out BDSM: Taking a playful approach
The door is open, you’ve agreed that you want to try BDSM. Now it’s time to get closer. But be careful! Going straight in with a fantasy could overwhelm your partner. Even if he or she is already experienced. Instead, you could start by saying: “I’ve already done that and I liked it. What do you think?” Or: “In a porn movie, I saw someone being choked and how intimate the connection between the participants was. Do you also find that interesting?” Of course, it can also be more harmless: “In this movie, he holds her hands during sex, I found that really hot, how he demonstrates his physical superiority.”
But it can also be more playful, for example with a game for couples. You can also do a BDSM test together and compare your results. Or how about visiting a sex store together to look at toys and talk about what you can do with them. You can find more ways to talk about preferences here.
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