Content/trigger warning: coprophilia
Others’ experiences can be very unsettling for BDSM practitioners, not just at the beginning. Comparisons are inevitable. Am I too boring? Am I not extreme enough? What do I need to do to be like the others? Nothing at all, says blogger and author Julia from “Gewürzt mit Herz“. Because BDSM is not a competition. On the contrary, a competitive mindset can be very dangerous and has no place here. Julia has provided us with her own thoughts on this topic in this guest post.
As this is a personal text, the passages in which Julia refers to her own relationship are not gendered.
I just wrote on Twitter in my account my personal concern that there are currently a lot of surveys and opinions in tweets about various techniques and Practices in BDSM are in circulation.
On the one hand, this is a very good thing, because in this way a lively and hopefully respectful exchange can take place between like-minded people. On the other hand, I personally always get a little stomach ache when reading this, because tweets like this can also imply a certain level of competition that shouldn’t be there.
Feedback on my fetish book
I became aware of this through the feedback regarding my fetish book, which also received some Subs brought to me. The chapter with one of my caviar descriptions in particular divided opinions. That’s a good thing and doesn’t have to please everyone, but that’s exactly the crux of it: Some subs wrote to me and asked for instructions and help with their Dom:mes to be able to please in this regard. They wouldn’t have considered it before, but if it’s part of it, then they’ll do it.
I was very shocked about that. That was and is not my intention to convey such an attitude. I am all the more pleased about this feedback on my works. And it’s exactly this trend that I’m currently noticing again on Twitter and probably in other social networks as well.
The individuality of BDSM
Every BDSM is as individual as the sub and dom who live it and fill it with life, spirit, and soul. There is no “the BDSM,” just as there is no “the” or “the” sub and “the” or “the” dom. It is precisely this diversity among us, this colorful wealth of experience, that fascinated me about BDSM, long before I learned about a technique. Techniques and practices, as well as toys and locations, are decorative accessories and serve as means to an end, but they are never the heart, with a particular fetish or kink being the exception. This heart is formed by the sub and dom who fill it with life.
Fisting, caviar, slapping, Rape play, partner swapping, third-party use, Role-playing games and so on are all possibilities for acting out things, but they are not absolutely necessary and are not an indication of BDSM. At least not in my individual interpretation of the BDSM soul.
Stand up for yourself and your preferences
Be confident in this regard and stand by your personal preferences. Dear Sub, even if you don’t like anal sex, you are no less a sub. Dear Dom, even if you don’t like to slap your sub, you are no less a Dom. “Everything can, nothing has to,” as the saying goes.
The topic of pain can also be fulfilling for some, but for others it is not part of their BDSM experience. It’s not about who can endure what the most or who advocates and practices a particularly large number of techniques. BDSM is not a sport and is not a compensation for such profiling.
The Dom under pressure
Incidentally, such a dynamic can also put a lot of pressure on Doms. Not every Dom wants to do his business on his or her sub. Reading a post or article like this doesn’t have to, but it can make you feel uncertain. Regardless of whether you are a sub or a dom: These thoughts destroy and do not let fly and therefore have no place in BDSM, at least in my opinion.
Please don’t let my words offend, trigger or hurt anyone. They are also not a must, just as I have not published a primer or a guide. In my book I spoke about my personal experiences and experiences with regard to the beauty of the fetish and the acceptance of it, in my desired opinion.
Possible uncertainty at the beginning of self-discovery
If I, as an inexperienced sub, had read some tweets or my own book, I would have been extremely unsettled. Maybe I would have turned away and been put off by BDSM in general.
There was no way I would have agreed to a meeting for fear that different practices would be expected of me.
We are all always in a process and go through different development phases in our self-discovery. There are countless ways to live it out and instruments of support. However, dare to name them and stand by yourself! Also, dare to say no and reject practices that you don’t support. It’s completely okay not to want to try everything. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and don’t compare yourself to each other, regardless of whether you’re a sub or a dom. Otherwise BDSM can become toxic and no longer be good for you.
The magic of BDSM
Fisting, enjoying slaps, rape play… Now I can enjoy it, but not always and not with every dom. People count and for me personally they are always at the beginning of everything and are the linchpin of every possible dynamic.
And at any time and any place. Especially at the beginning of your discovery, don’t let yourself be unsettled or directed in directions that don’t actually correspond to your will and desire. Be brave and show your counterpart what you are and what makes you tick. Only then can BDSM unfold its full magic and happen with you and not over you.
I wish this to every sub and every Dom. We are all unique – that’s what counts!
