Family life. Or: The little darlings…
In the past, there was the two of you, a universe of kink and fun, with only work to consider. You could indulge in spontaneous pleasure, nobody put the sex toy next to the bed in their mouth unless you wanted them to and you didn’t care whether the door was open or closed. But now there are little people in your household who are dependent on your time and attention, your consideration and your protection. Sleep is scarce, so is space and time is a luxury that you have to work hard for.
BDSM is a special form of sexuality that can sometimes lead to a lack of explanation in society, be it at the doctor’s because of bruises or at your employer’s with a collar. While as a couple you can maneuver your way through these stumbling blocks in everyday life relatively well, as parents it’s a whole different ball game. Because how do I express myself without giving the children too much insight? How do I raise them to be open-minded, tolerant people without going into too much detail? How do I justify the fact that mom and dad like to hit each other – while explaining to the kids that hitting is not the answer?
Time management on a new level
Time is the most precious commodity when you have a family. Children want time with their parents, together or separately. Everyday life clutters up the limited free time with the usual household and work tasks. The partner should also be an intimate partner and not just an everyday member. And then there’s the matter of time for yourself.
Many other areas, such as cooking, going to the gym, going to the movies or similar, are also known as quality time in parenting circles. Time that you want to spend in a particularly valuable way. There is quality time with the children, where the focus is on spending time with the children rather than doing everything on the side. So it stands to reason that this quality time should also exist for the parents or their kinks. But how do you do that?
SUBtle in everyday family life, DOMinant in quality time
In my experience, it is essential to find a way to incorporate small things into everyday life. What these might be varies from couple to couple, and that’s a good thing. Develop your own secrets and rituals. Small gestures that remind you that there is another side to you that you don’t want to forget. That your partner also has this side. Things that get us in the mood and keep us there. Because waiting for us to spontaneously feel like it and have time is no longer an option.
Sorry for the harsh truth, but between the ages of zero and eight, this is unfortunately mostly the case. If you’re really in the mood, there’s something between you in bed, screaming about where you are after two minutes of absence or you have to keep an eye on the cat to make sure it doesn’t get shaved. Alternatively, make sure the child is still in the playpen or that no burglar traps are being built with water buckets. When the kids are out and about, you usually just don’t feel like it. Everyday life and children demand your attention and energy – so an evening on the couch with movies rated 12 or higher sounds very tempting. Do you know everything like this? Then we have a little list for you on how you can perhaps make this work for you, if you like.
8 tips for combining BDSM and family life and for quality time
Secret rituals: showing your partner respect with a kiss on the wrist, brushing your partner’s hair while watching a movie with your child. Putting on or tying your partner’s shoes, serving drinks or holding doors open. Serving coffee far too sweet when you would like to be chastised and can’t say so: There are many ways to show your partner how you feel or what you feel like doing. Subtle symbols such as putting on a certain piece of jewelry or having a play accessory ready in the bedroom can also be a nice, subtle ritual.
Create space: At least once a month, you should try to find time for yourselves as a couple. Even if it’s at least a three-hour window. Take half a day off or make use of flexitime when the kids are at nursery or school. Take advantage of an overnight stay with the grandparents or a pyjama party with friends of the children for yourselves or a playdate with friends. Even if the latter is of course a bit complicated at the moment due to the coronavirus.
Use your free time: Sometimes you just want to bum around when the kids are out and about. But it’s still worth getting stuck in. And once you’re there, you’ll see: It’s better than Netflix. Maybe take a shower together to get in the mood. Or surprise your partner with a kinky decorated bedroom.
Visit locations: If there are bottles or Lego bricks everywhere at home, it’s probably not so easy to get kinky. So play away from home if you have the opportunity. Many dominatrix studios, for example, rent out their premises and there are even BDSM vacation apartments. Hourly hotels or a normal hotel are also well suited for a time-out together.
Play with open cards: From a certain age, it may also simply be a good idea to explain to your offspring in a child-friendly way that you love each other even if you don’t treat each other “so sweetly”. When you’re getting ready for a party, it’s okay to be visible. “We’re going to a party for adults. Everyone looks like this.”
Themed dates: Focus on quality rather than quantity. Focus on one or two things that you absolutely want to do instead of cramming as much as possible into your schedule to make your session more special.
Penalty book for an overview: If you can no longer play regularly, it may be a good idea to keep a penalty book. This way you can catch up on everything in the next session.
Special date nights: Our partner “Oh my! Fantasy” offers boxes and love letters for so-called “sexperiences”, i.e. concepts for date nights with which you can also discover a new practice. Especially for beginners in the BDSM area with an interest in spanking, we have developed a suitable sexperience together with “Oh my! Fantasy” we have put together a suitable sexperience.
