Experiencing BDSM means joy, ecstasy and intimacy. At the same time, our tendencies come with a lot of responsibility and mental challenges. Things don’t always go smoothly. Even if a session runs safely and all boundaries and limits are adhered to, a so-called drop can occur. This is an extremely negative emotional state that can be caused by various factors. On the dominant side it is called a dom drop or top drop.
Why does a dom drop happen?
It’s human to err…
Within a power dynamic, a lot is demanded of a dominant person. Top is – not only, but also – responsible for ensuring that the session runs safely and that limits are maintained. It is his or her job to guide the sub and regulate the intensity of the practices. Of course, things can’t always go perfectly. We are all human, make mistakes and may sometimes misjudge a situation.
But if a Top’s misjudgment results in the sub experiencing unwanted suffering, this can quickly take its toll on the psyche. If the safe word is even spoken and/or the session is aborted, this can feel particularly bad for Top. Unfortunately, as a Dom you quickly claim to be infallible. If this image crumbles and you have the feeling that you have not done justice to your role, it leads to insecurity, self-doubt and self-blame. A top drop occurs.
Misbehavior rarely occurs with malicious intent. Often it is because we have pushed ourselves together, are following a plan or have overlooked small signs. A mistake like this is not the end, as long as it is dealt with sensibly and carefully. Nevertheless, sometimes a feeling of failure remains.
The feeling of inadequacy
We are not at our best every day, both physically and mentally. As a Dom, you also have to do a lot physically for many practices. Especially if you are inferior to Sub in terms of strength, Dom may doubt his or her own abilities. Likewise, some days you just can’t find the right words, knot the ropes perfectly right away, or feel sexually aroused. These things can also trigger a drop.
A guilty consciencee
Another cause of a Dom’s emotional collapse can be remorse. It is ingrained in our minds that it is wrong to hurt others physically or psychologically. Violence is seen as something negative and one should certainly not feel friends about it, let alone excitement. But in BDSM – especially sadomasochistic practices – that’s exactly what we do.
We act contrary to social norms. We break taboos. Sub enjoys things that, if we inflicted them on another human being, would cause great suffering. Seen from the outside, Dom takes on the role of the perpetrator. It requires a lot from a top to differentiate between consensual violence and humiliation for themselves. Despite consent, it is not a given to always be at peace with oneself.
What caused great fun and excitement during the game can, when viewed soberly, cause discomfort and remorse or even a dom drop. “What have I done? Am I allowed to like something like that? Am I a bad person?” to “Does my partner still love me as much as before? Have I scared my Sub?” Such thoughts are extremely stressful.
What can you do about a dom drop?
Better safe than sorry. Don’t just speak in principle, but repeat your mutual consensus and what your limits are. You should also ask certain questions directly before playing, for example about your daily form and your current wishes and needs. This gives the top security and confirmation. In addition, aftercare after the session is also very important for Dom’s for mental balance. Like a kind of reassurance that everything that just happened was okay.
However, despite all caution, a crash can happen. Be aware that such downs are human and there is nothing to be ashamed of or justified for. How to deal with a dom drop shouldn’t be generalized. Every interpersonal relationship is different and needs in emotional, sensitive situations are individual. It also helps to become aware that the condition is primarily due to a biochemical phenomenon, namely a severe hormonal decline.
It is often helpful to explicitly express agreement again. Don’t leave your partner alone with the belief and feelings that he or she has done something wrong, but support him or her. Bottom should have understanding and an open ear. For some, communication can be very helpful. For the others, non-verbal, physical reassurance is necessary. You can find some other approaches to dealing with this situation here. Also note that a drop can also occur with a delay, such as days or even weeks later, or triggered by a trigger. In an emergency, you can always turn to a BDSM help center. You can find out here where a drop on the submissive side, i.e. a so-called Sub Drop, can come from.
