What exactly is dirty talk?
The term “dirty talk” is often associated with porn or erotic literature. In real lif, it is intended to be an erotic conversation between two or more parties and involves sharing fantasies, desires, and impressions. These conversations can serve to heat up the mood, tease each other, or guide the act. Sometimes, it’s also a soft whisper of love. Dirty talk is also referred to as verbal erotica. It’s about using words to become sexually aroused or to intensify existing arousal through words.
In dirty talk, either one person speaks – which can be either the dominant or submissive person – or both talk to each other. It can be a monologue or a conversation. Dirty talk isn’t necessarily, as often portrayed in many porn scenes, a string of more or less well-chosen euphemisms for body parts, fluids, or the act itself. It doesn’t have to consist of encouragement, invoking deities, or a list of swear words – but it can! Dirty talk is a highly subjective form of conversation. It should bring pleasure, play a bit with one’s own embarrassment, and heat things up. The choice of words doesn’t matter.
Why are people into dirty talk? And why aren’t they?
Fundamentally, our ears as sensory organs play an extremely important role in sex. After all, the breath of a partner or the sounds of arousal can be just as mood-setting as the physical level. Additionally, language is one of the most powerful tools humans possess.
It not only enables communication but also serves as a medium for art, music, and poetry. Therefore, spoken words have a direct impact on sexual arousal for many people. Additionally, since we are socially conditioned to respond to language, it makes sense to use it during sex.
Often, in uninhibited situations, statements and terms are used that we typically avoid in everyday conversation. Hearing such “forbidden” words from a partner can be exciting and arousing. We are conditioned not to discuss our sexual feelings with just anyone. Therefore, dirty talk can even enhance intimacy and bonding between people when certain statements are shared exclusively between them.
However, not everyone is into it. Silence in bed can be due to shame; some may feel inhibited about being loud or speaking at all. Some people might want to restrain their own sexual arousal or pleasure with this restraint. Additionally, there are simply those who prefer to be quiet.
On the other hand, dirty talk can evoke strong feelings of shame in some individuals, especially when it emphasizes desire. It’s no surprise that dirty talk is also a popular form of sexual humiliation, which can take various forms.
In the context of BDSM, the power dynamic and submissiveness play a significant role. Dirty talk can also consist of “threats” or communication that relates to the play and interaction between partners, such as begging. These statements can guide the session, representing a form of discipline and submission.
What can dirty talk look like?
Dirty talk can range from sweet whispers of love to crude insults. This is perfectly fine as long as everyone involved finds joy and arousal in it. Often, dirty talk is simply a description of the situation being shared—how someone feels, looks, or behaves. Sometimes it involves humiliation; other people may enjoy hearing insults and derogatory terms because they find arousal in being degraded.
Some people enjoy being mocked about their own arousal, with their pleasure displayed and made visible. Others like to hear complete stories and fantasies based on what is currently being experienced together or what could still happen. And then there are the famous role plays, where dirty talk can help immerse someone in a specific role and make the playing experience feel more vivid.
It doesn’t always have to be realistic. Dirty talk can serve as a bridge that moves from “I would like to do this with you” to active engagement. It can also lead to the rejection of a specific scenario, thereby helping to define boundaries.
Especially at the beginning of a session, a verbal introduction with announcements, reminders, and humiliation can guide a person into subspace. Alternatively, the session can be navigated through speech, using a commanding tone to transition from one practice to another.
However, even as a Bottom, one can heat up the top person through dirty talk when something feels good or when one wants more. It’s a bit like “topping from the bottom,” but in a more erotic tone. Of course, this works only if the top person is receptive to it.
Caution is advised! Here’s what you need to consider:
Words are a powerful weapon once you’ve overcome the hurdle of starting to speak—both positively and negatively. After all, everyone has likely experienced that words can also hurt. Therefore, in verbal erotica, it’s crucial that everyone involved is aware of what they’re getting into. An intensive pre-conversation should take place to discuss personal limits.
The prior agreement is very important because dirty talk is incredibly diverse and offers plenty of room for all kinds of forms. It’s an incredibly subjective and personal matter regarding what one can hear, do, or say—and what one cannot. This can also depend on the day’s mood. It’s best to review before each session what you want and what you don’t. The good news is that this process can already be very sexy and serve as a transition into the actual dirty talk.
It’s especially important to engage with the topic of dirty talk, separate from what you hear in porn. Find your own language. Lastly, don’t forget about aftercare. Especially after harsh statements, flattering or loving words can be comforting and help restore balance.
