Having to process a breakup is terrible. Heartache is pain that even masochists would prefer to avoid. We probably all know it: battles, heartache, tears, and lovesickness. When a partnership breaks down, it’s bad enough. But what if it was linked to BDSM?
You’ll find an abundance of guides online on how to deal with a breakup. Therefore, we’d like to focus on how to approach the end of a BDSM relationship. This article certainly can’t heal a broken heart. But perhaps it can provide some ideas and stimulate thoughts.
Reason to leave or no reason to stay?
The reason for a breakup is crucial for how to best deal with it, even when it comes to a BDSM relationship. Let’s put aside who broke up with whom: Did a specific event lead to the end of your relationship? Did something happen that made it impossible for one or both of you to continue the relationship? In this case, you can be sure that the breakup was the right decision. Because you cannot restore the state of the relationship before incident X. Being aware that a breakup was the only sensible consequence can help you accept it.
But how do you process the breakup if there wasn’t a specific trigger? That’s more difficult. You gradually realize that the relationship is no longer fulfilling for one or both partners. Realizing this and ultimately accepting it requires a lot of strength. In BDSM relationships, if an aspect of the partnership no longer works, it can be particularly delicate. Because our sexuality is often tied to fears of failure, complexes, the need for validation, and our self-esteem. When dealing with such a BDSM breakup, it can help to keep the following points in mind.
Processing a BDSM Breakup: These Thoughts Help
You are not just a play partner
You are a whole person. BDSM and your role are a part of you. But it’s definitely not everything. You can experience a lot of positive things independently of BDSM. And therefore regardless of the relationship that ended. What makes you happy outside of BDSM? What still makes you feel “yourself”?
BDSM and a fulfilling sex life always take (at least) two
Keep this very clear in your mind. If things didn’t work out in bed or at play, it wasn’t just you. It’s not about asking a question of guilt. Your expectations and wishes no longer match those of your partner. Or the other way around. That doesn’t mean you did something wrong or not right enough.
Blame it on chemistry!
It may sound a bit callous and overly simplistic. However, biology can also be partly to blame for the breakup. Our hormone levels constantly change throughout our lives. Since these are crucial for whether we find each other sexually attractive, fluctuations can also affect our relationship.
Development – In different directions
The breakup was not an easy step for both of you. But only those who put one foot in front of the other find new paths. Steps, no matter how difficult they may be, move you forward. In your case, you are heading in different directions. But it is also a new path that lies ahead of you. Perhaps you have simply evolved to take this path now.
What will get better now?
If you’re dealing with a BDSM breakup, it’s of course difficult to find anything positive about it. Nevertheless, it is worth taking a comforting look at the things that may have bothered you in the relationship. Are there aspects in which your BDSM relationship has limited you? Things you’ve given up? Or compromises you made? Think about what will improve your situation as a result of the breakup!
4 Tips for dealing with a BDSM Breakup
Take a break from BDSM
After a breakup, it can be beneficial to focus on the non-kinky aspects of life first. Especially if your ex-partner was not a significant part of your vanilla routine. Concentrate on your work, hobbies, and friends. Try not to immediately seek a replacement. Otherwise, certain practices, outfits, or toys could trigger you and reinforce the pain of the breakup.
Untie your kinks from your Dom or Sub
We often tie our kinks to a specific person. Because we discovered it together with him or her. Or because he or she was the right counterpart and knew exactly which buttons to press. Surprise! You can be a Sub without a Dom and vice versa! Your tendencies are intrinsically motivated. Even after a breakup, you keep them. Maybe you even have completely different roles within you that you have never lived out before? Your sexual preferences are not dependent on another person.
Create space for new things
A popular tip aftear every breakup: get rid of all the relationship baggage. Be it your outfits, the toy box or the bedroom. Rearrange, repaint! Sell fetish clothes that you no longer want to wear! The whole program. When you’re ready, everything that reminds you of your ex can be gone. And of course something new can be used for that. Maybe something he or she wouldn’t have liked? Or a whole new accessory that will transform you into a role you’ve always wanted to try out?
Take your time and have trust
The last and perhaps most important tip when processing a breakup: Heartache is not a rope burn or a spanking welt. It doesn’t fade away overnight or after a few days. Don’t expect yourself to get over the end of the relationship as quickly as possible. Love is not a switch that can be turned off easily. Getting used to a person disappears just as slowly and steadily as it comes. Allow yourself to grieve, just as you allow yourself to be happy again. Have trust in the time that awaits you.
