Welcome! If you’re reading this, you’re probably interested in BDSM, or perhaps someone who is involved in BDSM sent you this article. Talking about this topic is not always easy, and the decision of whom to tell can be quite challenging. That’s why we decided to write an article about coming out, offering helpful guidance for you and your surroundings.
What exactly a coming out is and what you need to consider has already been covered in another article. This text provides a guide on how you can successfully navigate your coming out. Not all of the points mentioned here have to apply to your personal outing—perhaps you’ll need more or less. The goal is to give you an overview and a bit of orientation.
A coming out is the result of an outing – meaning, admitting something about yourself. This term is often used in the context of LGBTQ+ individuals coming out about their sexual orientation. It’s about explaining to the world and people around you that you deviate from the idea of “normality.” Fortunately, the concept of normality in our society is becoming more diverse and colorful. Still, the hesitation remains high when it comes to topics like BDSM. Let’s go through the key points!
Prerequisites for a BDSM Coming Out
Being at peace with yourself
Everyone comes to realize their preference for BDSM at different times. Some notice it as early as childhood, when something feels different, while others develop these tendencies later on. Some fetishes or preferences emerge early, and when the hormonal cocktail of puberty kicks in, one realizes what truly excites them. The development of sexuality during this time is nothing new; researchers like Richard von Krafft-Ebing and Ernst Bornemann have documented and studied the sexual development of heterosexual, homosexual, and even sadomasochistic tendencies.
However, just because these feelings emerge doesn’t mean they can be easily accepted. After all, this is a topic that is often stigmatized by society. The first step, therefore, is to come to terms with oneself by honestly confronting one’s thoughts and fantasies.
The first coming out is thus before yourself. This can be challenging, as many BDSM roles contradict societal norms. The realization and self-acceptance of this preference can be exhausting and filled with inner conflict. You take this first step alone, but it is crucial, as your preference for BDSM does not make you a bad person. A fetish is not abnormal or perverse. Having a healthy relationship with yourself, your body, and your sexuality is essential. Without this, a healthy and honest approach to BDSM cannot be found.
Place and time
You may normally consider these factors when planning a date, but the right location can also be crucial for the flow of your conversation. While there is no perfect place or time for coming out, there are a few situations you should avoid, as they may not be suitable for the gravity of the occasion.
- Take your time with the coming out. Such a conversation is not appropriate to have in passing. Avoid bringing it up right before an appointment or at an inconvenient time.
- The conversation itself can be brief or lengthy, so make sure you allocate enough time.
- Coming out can be emotionally charged, and sometimes it takes time to process what’s been said. Give yourself and the other person a moment to reflect on everything in peace.
- While you might address everyone during a family gathering, the mood, especially under the influence of alcohol, can quickly shift.
- Coming out can take place in many locations, but the important thing is that you feel safe and that both you and the person you’re coming out to have the opportunity to have some space and quiet to talk.
- Perhaps the kitchen table or the person’s living room is a suitable place; for others, a neutral location like a café or a park might be better.
Coming Out Strategy
Once you’re at peace with yourself and the external circumstances are settled, it’s time to develop a strategy. You can, for example, come out only partially, to a group of friends or certain individuals, or you may choose to do it very publicly. Some people gradually share their likes with those around them, while others are upfront about their preferences from the start. You don’t have to go through this alone. It’s perfectly okay to have your partner or other trusted individuals by your side.
Finding Supporters
The first coming out is to yourself, but your first “real” coming out should be to someone who supports you. Someone you know is liberal, perhaps queer, or a supporter of minorities. Of course, there is no guarantee that this person will understand BDSM, but you can discuss the process with them and clarify any questions that arise. If you want to come out to your family, you might first talk to a sibling or a parent who can help support you in the conversation. The rest of the family can then approach this person, who is already informed.
BDSM Coming Out Dry Run
It may sound strange, but it’s perfectly okay to go over sentences or scenarios beforehand. You can practice in front of the mirror, your cat, or friends. You can also run through the conversation with people from your local BDSM munch. It’s helpful if you already have an idea of the sentences you want to use. This way, you can also get feedback on which phrases might sound too harsh or unclear.
What to say
Having an idea of what you want to say is a good approach. It’s worth writing down a few sentences or ideas in advance. Avoid using too many technical terms, and instead, use neutral language. You can reread this later and consider whether it still feels right. A good question might be: “How much do you want to know?” “Would you feel comfortable if I told you about a preference?” or “Would you like to know what we do?”
Some sentences that could help to start the conversation
- “I want to tell you something. I’ve been seeing someone for a while. I have a special relationship with this person and I’m discovering a new world with them, one that’s full of various things, and I’ve realized I have a preference for bondage / BDSM / pet play.”
- “You’ve probably heard of the movie ‘50 Shades of Grey‘ a few years ago. While I haven’t met a millionaire, I’ve realized I’m very drawn to these topics.”
- “You know, sexuality is a broad spectrum. I’ve realized I’m at a different point than most people.”
- “I’d like you to listen to me today on an important topic. I’ve realized I like certain things.”
- “You’re probably familiar with the term LGBTQ+. It encompasses many variations of queer sexuality. I have a different sexuality too, and I want to tell you about it.”
- “It’s not easy for me, but I trust you and consider you a tolerant person. That’s why I want to tell you something.”
None of these sentences guarantees success, but they can help you start the conversation.
Alleviating fears
The first question that often comes up when BDSM is mentioned is, “Are you getting hurt?” or “You someone hurt you?” As a Top, you might hear, “How can you hurt someone?” or “Don’t you feel guilty?” Therefore, it’s important to emphasize a few things:
- “We’re fine with it, we talk beforehand and afterward. It’s always important to us that it’s healthy and safe, and that we leave the situation feeling good.”
- “Clear limits and boundaries are set beforehand and must not be crossed. Also, we can stop at any time. There is a safeword.”
- “Before we do anything, we talk about consent. We know what will happen, and we both agree to it. Without a clear ‘Yes, I want this,’ we do nothing.”
- “I do my research before doing anything. BDSM doesn’t mean being violent with each other. It means valuing each other and honestly reflecting on what we want.”
- “BDSM stands for many things. It’s much more than pain or the things you see on TV. I am safe and well taken care of. I am valued and have many special experiences.”
No Coming Out Recipe
Unfortunately, there is no master plan for how a BDSM coming out should go. However, we hope this article has provided you with some insights and orientation to help alleviate your concerns. Remember, your coming out is yours! You don’t have to force yourself to open up to someone, and you owe no one your coming out.
A coming out is essentially a status update. You don’t have to lay out all your preferences and fetishes, just share what you feel comfortable with. You don’t have to answer inappropriate questions.
These principles can help make your coming out easier. Also, keep information sources, such as this magazine, handy in case more questions arise. This is especially important to dispel the cliché of dangerous, dark basements that many people associate with BDSM. Some of these clichés are deeply rooted in society. On our website, you’ll find a variety of articles that clearly explain what healthy, respectful BDSM is, even to vanillas.
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