What exactly is an outing?
An outing means to make something known or to announce it. The term is often encountered in connection with LGBTQ+ individuals who come out as such. It usually means explaining to others that one deviates from the notion of “normality.” Fortunately, we live in a world where normality is becoming increasingly diverse and colorful. However, the hesitation remains high when it comes to topics like BDSM, sexual preferences or orientations, or even polyamory.
Originally, the term was shaped by forced coming-outs experienced by many homosexuals during the AIDS pandemic. First, gay individuals were outed at their workplaces by opposing movements. In return, they began themselves outing celebrities publicly. Outing was not understood as defamation but as an offensive liberation blow from the Gay Liberation Community, particularly aimed at helping homosexual youth develop self-confidence and find prominent role models. Today, people are usually not outed but make this decision for themselves.
Outings can have various backgrounds. Most often, they are related to one’s sexuality, particularly when one deviates from a binary heterosexual orientation. However, outing can also refer to disclosing information about illnesses or romantic preferences. Many things deserve an outing.
Distinction between self-outing and being outed
Clarifying one’s preferences, life concepts, or similar matters is not an easy decision. There are numerous consequences associated with sharing one’s sexuality. Assessing and weighing these consequences beforehand is nearly impossible. You don’t have to do it, as no one is obligated to. However, it often brings relief to speak it out loud. The first outing you make is to yourself. For your own mental well-being and that of your partners, it is important to be at peace with yourself and your needs. Therefore, it is crucial to first go within and take this first step with yourself.
When is a BDSM outing useful?
In German, there is the term “Leidensdruck” (suffering pressure). It describes a strong emotional burden and is usually related to physical or mental illnesses, but it can also apply to a BDSM outing. When you realize that it weighs on you not being able to tell your friends, partner, or family about your needs, what you did over the weekend, or a great experience, that is when suffering pressure occurs. Often it feels as though you want to burst out or you might think during conversations, “I’d like to share.” Perhaps you even feel guilty for dismissing experiences, hiding them, or continually making excuses. In a way, you are hiding a part of yourself, which can become burdensome over time.
Another point is that BDSM often involves visible marks, objects, and rules. As a teenager, you might have enjoyed a hickey on your neck, but as an adult, bruises or other marks on your body are not as common. Depending on what side you play on and what practices you engage in, these can be more or less visible. Especially with physical marks, the thought of an abusive relationship may arise. It could also endanger your partner if people repeatedly notice bruises without an explanation. Rumors that arise here are often worse than the truth.
In a BDSM power dynamic, there are often everyday rules, such as wearing a collar or other symbols and following specific rituals. Perhaps certain tasks need to be completed or constant supervision is involved. If someone notices these routines or doesn’t understand why you don’t want to break certain rules, an honest explanation is often better than making something up. Otherwise, the loving Dom becomes the controlling girlfriend or the sadistic Top becomes the offender. To prevent such scenarios, a simple “Hey, I’m into BDSM” can clear up misunderstandings. It is also recommended to attach an informational source to give people the opportunity for further research.
The longer you practice BDSM, the more things and signs accumulate. This happens on the meta level of relationships and interactions but also physically with toys, clothing, and other items. Of course, you could also design your apartment entirely vanilla and pack everything away. However, if you don’t want to do that, you might consider an outing, at least to your closest friends.
Does an BDSM outing really make everything better?
Does a BDSM outing improve your life, or is it just an unnecessary risk? Does it become an existential decision, or is it as useful as a Brita water filter? Essentially, your sexuality is something private and personal, and it doesn’t directly affect most people around you. Who you love says nothing about your work capabilities, and how you engage intimately says nothing about your life philosophy. This applies as long as there are no personal overlaps with these people. As long as your sexuality does not interfere with your daily life and you’re not putting yourself in danger by others knowing kinky details about you.
However, an outing can improve your life situation if you previously had suffering pressure. It can make certain communication easier and gestures and rituals simpler. To some extent, it’s a relief because you no longer have to think so much or worry about frightening others. The value this brings to your life depends on the role BDSM plays in it.
What are the benefits of a BDSM outing?
The benefits of an outing are often long-term. Questions about partners and life decisions change. Also, the feeling of being able to talk about your life improves. You can live openly and honestly without hiding. Your sexuality doesn’t need to be denied, and things don’t need to be held back. Communication with friends and family typically improves, and your relationship with your partner may change when you can openly show affection. Apart from your immediate environment, it also becomes easier to meet people with the same interests and preferences.
Do I have to want to come out?
The simple answer is: No. For many people, it works fine to keep their preferences to themselves. They separate their daily life from their kinky life. It’s perhaps comparable to having different friend circles: one with which you have adventurous escapades, and another with which you handle everyday work difficulties. You can also separate them without it being burdensome.
Sometimes, the people around you might already suspect something and ask questions. But as mentioned before, your sexuality is a very personal matter. At this point, you don’t have to answer or can point out your right to privacy. Some people may try to provoke you, but it’s important to remember that a BDSM outing is a personal need, not something that should be demanded through questions.
Does everything need to come out?
No, not everything has to come out. Your sexuality is not an inflamed root that must be pulled out. Sometimes it makes sense to find an alternative outing approach that is okay for everyone involved. Maybe not all parents will be okay with their children attending a BDSM meet-up. It’s perfectly fine to stay on the surface and talk about an alternative lifestyle, preferences, or a special hobby first. Even if you decide to come out, the details of your BDSM preferences are no one else’s business. Nobody needs to reveal what roles they enjoy playing or which practices they prefer. Especially because not everyone may want to know such explicit information.
What an outing can mean for those around you
An outing affects your whole life. It changes not only yourself but also your environment. Most of the time, it goes well, and after people ask a few questions and make a few jokes, they can accept it, and everything normalizes. In a normal environment, sexuality isn’t a constant topic. Here’s one more note: Just because you’ve come out doesn’t mean you have to be Dr. Sommer and explain everything. Your right to privacy remains intact.
After an outing, it’s also possible that certain people never want to talk about this topic again. They set their boundaries and don’t want to hear more. This must also be respected. BDSM topics might make them uncomfortable, give them a bad feeling, or cause unease. So simply don’t talk about it with them.
It’s probably inevitable that your preferences will rub off on your partners. Your environment will likely assume that your partner is also into BDSM. This needs to be clarified. Sometimes your partner may also not be ready to come out. In that case, it’s crucial to be very cautious about who you enlighten or even to postpone your own BDSM outing until your partner is ready.
And what if..?
… the worst-case scenario happens, and someone judges you? Negative reactions can vary widely, from disgust to shock to rejection. All of these reactions do not define your worth. Some people, due to their cultural or religious views, have no connection to other sexualities; others are simply narrow-minded jerks. These people do not get to decide whether your sexuality and preferences are harmful or wrong. Your needs are normal and acceptable.
In some families, there may be outbursts or perhaps even forced distance. Fortunately, there are many support services available for this topic in Germany. Sometimes a night at a friend’s place can smooth things over. Sometimes a mediator can help, and sometimes there’s simply nothing you can do. But that’s okay, because if these people don’t accept you fully, they don’t belong in your life in the long run.
You’re into BDSM and want to show it? #ExpressYourKink with the items from the Deviance Shop! Here you’ll find a wide selection of everyday clothing, accessories, and decorative items with matching terms and designs.
Do you like what you see? You can find these and many more clearly ambiguous designs on a wide range of products from shirts and tops to sweaters and hoodies, as well as caps and home accessories in the Deviance Shop! #ExpressYourKink
