At Deviance, the focus is on finding like-minded individuals, making acquaintances, and finding the right (play) partner. However, as we all know, not all connections are meant to last forever. That’s why we not only want to help you in finding each other, exploring, and bonding but also provide you with some tips on how to respectfully navigate a breakup through this article.
Breakups are not nice. Rather, they are usually a bitter cocktail of negative emotions. Disappointment, anger, sadness, fear and rejection: all these feelings make it incredibly difficult to treat each other with respect and care. Especially when a breakup happens suddenly, triggered by a specific event. In the following, we would like to show you what you should bear in mind when ending a relationship despite all of this. No matter what circumstances led to it or what kind of relationship you had.
Using the calm after the storm
Let’s assume you didn’t just live apart quietly. There was a key experience, an argument, things got loud. Perhaps the end of the relationship has already been announced in this situation. After the loud emotions come the quiet ones. They also need to be heard. Take another look inside yourself and listen carefully: Do you really want to break up? Allow your feelings to be heard. Don’t suppress anything that wants to be felt. Also give your partner time to digest the conflict. When you’re ready, talk to them and explain that you’re separating now without raising your voice.
It takes two to break up
There may be circumstances in which you would like to cut your (ex) partner out of your life immediately. But people aren’t made of pencil and you can’t just erase someone like that. Even if a person no longer exists for you, he or she is still there and deserves to be treated with dignity and humanity.
That’s why ghosting is not an option. If a face-to-face conversation is no longer possible for you, a conversation can also take place over the phone. The very least you can do is send an explanatory message in which you state the reason for the breakup and the break in contact. This is the only way to give the other person the chance to move on and not spend weeks mulling over what happened. After that, it is also legitimate to ignore or block someone if it makes you feel better.
The last supper
You decide to talk about the breakup in person – great! That’s a great sign of common sense and respect for each other. Because you can and should still have this when the fire of passion has gone out. A neutral place is suitable for such a conversation. This way, each party can freely decide when it is time to leave and no one feels like they are on hostile territory. It’s best to choose a place with a small audience. That way, it won’t be immediately unpleasant when anger and sadness demand their space despite all your intentions to remain calm.
Draw a line, not loops
If you break up with someone, refrain from blaming that person. Repeatedly pointing out each other’s mistakes and getting caught up in why things can’t go any further is pointless now. Such accusations don’t lead to any new results, just like “would have”, “would be” or “if” phrases. Instead, they make you feel attacked and vulnerable. A breeding ground for outbursts of anger and self-doubt.
In the same way, you shouldn’t get involved in discussions. If you are sure of your decision, then there are good reasons for this. At this point and after sufficient explanation, you can expect the other person to accept this and to stop trying to convince you that you still have a future. In the same way, it is your job to give these attempts no room. By repeatedly responding to messages, making concessions and allowing closeness, you are creating hope where there is none. This is unfair and deepens the emotional wounds.
Find clear words for the breakup
The choice of words is much more important in a breakup than you might think. “I can’t do this anymore” can mean something completely different to “I don’t want you in my life anymore”. You don’t have to be hurtful or use cold language. But you should get to the point. People often tend to keep a loophole open by saying: “I can’t imagine it at the moment” or “I don’t see a future there”. This implies to the other person “But maybe again sometime?” or “But we can still enjoy the present a little”. A clearer choice of words could be, for example:
- I’m breaking up with you because…
- I’m ending our relationship.
- There is no way we can keep trying.
- We are no longer a couple from now on.
- I don’t want to have any more contact with you because…
- I’ve decided to break up with you.
Yes, that all sounds incredibly hard. But clear communication is important, especially if the breakup is more likely to come from one side.
If you can and want to, you can of course still find appreciative words for each other even after a breakup. Acknowledge that you had a good time and that you may get on well as people, but no longer as a couple.
Help, I’ve been dumped.
You don’t always see the end of a relationship coming and can understand it. If you are the one who would have preferred to stay in the relationship, it is particularly difficult to deal with a breakup. Nevertheless, try to accept and understand your (ex-)partner’s decision. Of course, you deserve an explanation. However, you should refrain from asking and trying to change your mind. This will not only make things more difficult for yourself, but also for the other person.
Breakup from a BDSM play partner
When it comes to a purely playful relationship, it is of course just as important to be clear and respectful. However, very different emotions often play a role here. An emotional dependency can develop in intensive, long-term BDSM relationships. Especially when you are in a D/s relationship, you are often very fixated on each other. Breaking this special bond within a power dynamic is not easy.
At best, you should proceed very carefully. Regardless of whether the sub separates from the top or vice versa. The separation must not happen within the power dynamic, but at eye level. It is important to keep a distance in terms of space and time from a session. You are not your roles now. Demeaning behavior has just as little place here as submissive or dominant behavior.
For some subs, especially serfs and 24/7 spiers, it is also important to be released by their dom. Talk about it and fulfill this need.
Behavior after the breakup
Once you have separated, you should each clean up after your relationship. The best way to do this is to have little or no contact with each other at first. Even if you part on good terms and perhaps nothing stands in the way of a friendship, you should give yourselves time for this transition phase.
An absolute no-go during a breakup is to talk about each other afterwards – even if they are “only” playmates. Talking badly about someone else or telling other people intimate details about this person is not appropriate. It is also not okay to treat someone in a derogatory way out of anger, regardless of whether that person is there or not. After all, you were connected for a while. Because of this, you should refrain from gossiping. After all, you don’t want your ex to serve up your bad qualities to others on a silver platter.
However, if you have been wronged and your ex-partner has behaved dangerously, you can and should of course warn others. You don’t have to distribute leaflets or send unsolicited messages. But in a conversation in which his or her name is mentioned, pointing out that a person has harmed you is not reprehensible. Especially within the BDSM scene, it is good to be warned about black sheep. However, listen to yourself to see whether the behavior could also be objectively dangerous or even abusive or whether this perception has arisen out of vulnerability.
