Partner, children, play partners. A sub explains how family, everyday life and BDSM can best be combined in his case.
Twitterer @NikSput lives in Berlin and, according to his Twitter bio, is a morally flexible verbal eroticist. He’s been with his primary partner and mother of his children for over 22 years, toys with @Queen_B_1219 and has an affair to boot. And it’s working out more than just fine for all parties. We asked ourselves: how do you reconcile all of this?
What exactly does the construct in which you live look like?
NikSput: First of all, there’s my wife, with whom I’ve been together for over 22 years now. After almost exactly 13 years, we decided to open up the relationship. My wife has a main relationship with a Dom and one or two men with whom she has occasional contact.
I have a queen who dominates me, to whom I also say “I am yours”. However, I also have an open construct with her. She has no problem lending me out to other ladies. There’s also my “affair”, I cuddle with her a lot and we also celebrated New Year’s Eve together with her and her husband.
We get on well with each other’s partners and their attachments, so we all get on well with each other. The openness of our relationships is an extension of the family atmosphere, so to speak.
It sounds so harmonious and groovy with you, how do you do that?
NikSput: It really is! When we have good friends visiting, the word “second family” sometimes comes up. We often get the feedback that we have a very loving atmosphere and that this automatically creates a feel-good atmosphere. It simply works for us because of this good foundation.
For me, sex-positive doesn’t mean that we jump on everyone. First of all, I have to accept and respect everyone for who they are. Overall, I always think that when I meet someone, it’s a mutual enjoyment. The level at which you enjoy each other is secondary. Whether it’s a good conversation, cuddling together or shagging.
And even if it sounds like an open relationship is very easy: in our eyes, communication is an important key to the success of an open relationship and it is by no means always easy.
Have you set any specific rules or anything like that?
NikSput: Actually only one – family always comes first.
What advantages do you see in this way of living out your marriage and needs?
NikSput: We often take inspiration from our other partnerships, which also enriches our sex life together.
Since the last lockdown, I’ve been exercising regularly for my queen. That’s also a nice side effect, for example, because the changes to my body also please my own wife. So there’s always a good effect on the main relationship too.
And what problems does that bring with it?
NikSput: It used to be more complicated sometimes. In the first opening phase, it was simply easier for my wife to find someone. It was simply unbalanced. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to have it, it was more like “I want it too”.
You always have to coordinate with childcare, especially when someone is out of the house for a while.
How did you get to where you are today?
NikSput: With 13 years of a monogamous relationship, we had plenty of time to build a foundation before we opened up. Of course, I can only ever describe what works for us. I don’t have a golden path for everyone. In our relationship, it was always essential that the foundations were solid.
How much do you communicate to the children?
NikSput: I actually walk around with a collar 24/7 at home too. We have one child of primary school age and one who is now entering puberty. We are open in our communication, but we also make sure we explain things in a child-friendly or age-appropriate way. They notice the visit, of course, and sometimes make small gestures, but rather subtly. The children shouldn’t copy anything that we have as a relationship construct. They should discover their own sexuality with an awareness of diversity and different possibilities.
How do you manage to juggle everything in terms of time?
NikSput: With the career change and corona, everything was different anyway. I’ve always been very flexible at work, so there were always times when I wasn’t there for a week. So that’s normal in the family. Apart from that, I write a lot and you have to coordinate well with each other.
With Corona, it was also the case that I hadn’t seen my Queen for six months and we only wrote to each other. Despite this, our relationship grew during this time, which I consider to be a great gift. My affair and I only live three subway stations away from each other, so it’s pretty straightforward. However, we only saw each other every few weeks because of corona.
What we try to do from time to time is spend free or long weekends with a partner. Alternating, of course.
So you like to make women happy?
NikSput: When I meet up with my queen, she has the absolute certainty that she can decide from her gut feeling whether she wants to dominate and torment me or just cuddle – and I am just as happy at the same time as long as she is herself and authentic.
I would almost call that the core of my submissiveness, that I can simply make the other person happy.
NikSput drinks his coffee black and conjures up his #morninglatte tweets exclusively for the women in his life and visitors. He has developed an interactive radio play as an app, is self-employed and lives poly – a true organizational talent.
If you want to find out more about NikSput, follow him on Twitter! Thank you very much for your time and this relaxed, enjoyable interview!
If you want to know more about NikSput, follow him on Twitter! Thank you very much for your time and this relaxed, lovely interview!
