It is probably one of the greatest mysteries of humanity – or at least of the kinky world: How do you start online conversations that really click? What makes a good first message that sparks interest for more? And when is it time to end the contact? What are good online dating tips?
These are the questions posed by the audience of “Die Kunst der Unvernunft,” Germany’s most listened BDSM podcast. Because especially on a BDSM platform like Deviance, there are a few specifics to consider. Lucky for us, host Sebastian Stix knew exactly who to call. Or rather, who to have called, to be precise.
In a recent episode of the podcast Kunst der Unvernunft, Marina, the founder of Deviance, shares her experiences and offers practical online dating tips – perfect for anyone who often steps into awkward situations when writing messages or wonders how to come across authentically and creatively. Since the episode is in german, the highlights are summarized here for you, so you can enjoy more success and fun on Deviance.
1. How do I start a conversation that clicks?
First impressions count – and in online dating, those are your messages. On a platform like Deviance, where personal preferences play a major role, the entry can be a bit bolder, but never intrusive! Marina recommends asking an original, intriguing question that breaks the ice without diving directly into sexual topics.
A simple, yet original question like “How spontaneous are you?” made her respond immediately. Why? Because it sparks curiosity and steers the conversation in a direction she didn’t expect.
Another strategy Marina learned from a former colleague is to combine two completely unrelated terms: “Do you prefer spinach or goats?” Such messages are so absurd that they automatically attract attention and encourage a response.
Such approaches stand out and create room for creativity. They show: Someone dares to be different. Sebastian adds, “Provocation works – but only if it remains friendly.”
2. Dos & don’ts for messages: How to make it work
Anyone talking about BDSM should also pay attention to the fine details when messaging. Authenticity and respect are just as important as a good sense of humor.
Dos:
- Show personality: No copy-paste templates! A message should be personal and honest, not like a standard template. People can sense when a message is written without real effort.
- Genuine interest: Whether it’s a photo, a favorite kink, or a book quote – engage with something from your match’s profile that piqued your interest.
- Proper spelling: Mistakes happen, but too many spelling errors or sloppy messages often come across as if no effort was made. So it’s worth checking again before hitting send.
Don’ts:
- Too long texts: “Wall of text” – a huge, unstructured message – overwhelms most people. Stick to the essentials and avoid describing your entire life right away.
- Superficial phrases: Questions like “How are you?” or “Hey” are unoriginal and rarely invite an exciting conversation.
- Crossing boundaries: BDSM thrives on communication and consent. Respect the other person’s space.
3. When is it over? Recognizing the right moment
Not every match will turn into an intense chat or a play relationship. And that’s okay! Marina emphasizes that one-sided conversations are often a sign to take a break from the contact:
“If you feel like you’re the only one keeping the conversation going with little return, then it’s time to let it go.”
An important boundary is your gut feeling: Even if you get a lot of responses, you might not feel comfortable in the conversation. In online dating, it’s perfectly fine to cut off contact – you owe no one anything.
Sebastian adds that ghosting is often not meant maliciously. Marina adds, “Sometimes it just doesn’t fit – and it usually has nothing to do with you.”
People have different priorities or personal issues that prevent them from responding. So don’t take it personally. But if the person really interests you, you can ask once or twice more, with a bit of time in between. After that, it’s better to move on – there are plenty of other matches. Above all, always remain respectful, no matter if it’s you or the other person who wants to end the contact.
4. Humor, ease, and authenticity
Creative, humorous, or even provocative approaches often work better than the usual standard questions about occupation or weekend plans. Messages that are lighthearted and playful not only create more connection, they are also more fun – for both sides. Instead of stiff conversations about everyday trivialities, it helps to take a humorous risk once in a while.
But how much should you really reveal about yourself without overwhelming the other person? Marina reassures: “It doesn’t have to be a perfect message, and you shouldn’t overthink it. What matters is staying authentic.”
5. What about dirty talk?
Especially in the world of Deviance, where many users have a preference for BDSM and fetishes, the question often arises of how to handle power dynamics in a conversation. Marina emphasizes that it’s important to respect the other person and cautiously gauge how open they are to such topics. Direct allusions or explicit suggestions should only be made with consent. A sensitive handling of one’s own preferences and boundaries is essential for respectful and successful interaction.
How to succeed in online dating: Our tips
The secret to good messages lies in a mix of creativity, authenticity, lightness, and respecting the other person’s boundaries. Stand out with original questions or humorous approaches, show genuine interest in your counterpart, and always ask yourself: Would I respond to this message? At the same time, remember: Not every conversation has to be a success. Listen to your gut feeling and set clear boundaries if necessary.
Ready? Well, then log in and try these tips right away. Your next match is probably already waiting.
