You have informed yourself sufficiently, read and exchanged stories, you can hardly wait to finally try out BDSM. But as the first time gets closer and closer, you realize that there are still many unanswered questions. How do I even begin? Do I need toys? If so, which? And how do I make sure the whole thing doesn’t turn into a laughing stock?
This text entitled “Guide: Help for your first play” first appeared on Gentledom.de, one of the largest German-language educational sites about BDSM, and was kindly made available to Deviance.
Basics
What you both call the child, be it BDSM, SM or rough sex, is up to you, and what you call your positions is entirely up to you. No matter what you have read or will read, it is about you, your preferences, your fantasies and needs.
Since it’s about you, never forget to communicate. This is the only way you can both be safe from unpleasant things. Now you should talk about your wishes, expectations and taboos so that you know where your common ground lies. If you do something like this for the first time, it often happens that inhibitions lead to many things not being discussed. But over time this will subside and only if both know each other’s needs can they respond to them.
Clarify the framework: Play it safe
It’s better to establish too many rather than too few limits. Too few can be problematic, but too many can open up the possibility of jointly exploring boundaries. Before proceeding further, here’s a fitting quote from the community: “No master has fallen from the sky, but many Subs from the ceiling.” So, safety first.
No safe word, no game
The first thing you should do is agree on a safeword. This is something like an absolute veto. If it is used, the play ends immediately. If the dominant part doesn’t agree to something like that, he runs away. This is extremely serious.
Just for legal clarification: Only the voluntary nature means that almost all actions, at least in German law, in the area of BDSM, are not punishable for the Dom. If this consent is missing, serious legal violations such as bodily harm, rape or insults can occur. Out of concern for your partner, but also for yourself, a safe word should be agreed upon. Mayday is international, I personally use “grace” because it just fits better.
Additionally: characters instead of words
If you play with gags, the safeword can also mean blinking your eyes very quickly or dropping an object you’re holding. For beginners, but also for dominant people who are not very sensitive, there is also the option of a traffic light code. “Green” means it’s good or okay, “yellow” it’s slowly becoming dangerous, please stop, “red” it’s too much, stop it.
The physical and psychological conditions must be right
The submissive part in particular needs trust. If he or she doesn’t have this, the game will be more of a torture than something beautiful for him or her. Therefore, choose your partner carefully. The wrong Dom has spoiled many people’s desire to play because he or she has to be willing and able to take on the responsibility. But the dominant part should also check in advance whether the person is mentally stable enough and physically able to carry out what has been imagined without anyone being harmed.
Toys
Since most people are unlikely to go to the nearest sex shop to buy the right toy, I’ll save you the details about leather cuffs and whips and you can just look around and see what you have there. There are few limits to your imagination. What is found in many households is the following:
Small instruments of torture
Your own hand is indeed one of the best tools. Also, fingernails (no, you’re not a vampire), ruler and wooden spoon, hairbrush (be careful, they hurt and cause bruises), belt, wet dishcloth, and surely many more. Oh yes, if any of you are into horseback riding, riding crops aren’t just for horses.
Captivating
Some people already have handcuffs, a belt from their dressing gown, a silk scarf and a dry towel. Yes, the kitchen is a real treasure trove of toys.
Dripping
Whoever is thinking of Asian water torture here is wrong. We’re talking about candles. However, never use beeswax candles, as they can cause burns. Just be careful where the wax drips. While it can be used on the entire body, not every surface is suitable. An old terrycloth towel can be useful in this case.
Clingy stuff
Clothespins can be used not only in the laundry room, but also in the bedroom; the situation is similar with special clothes hangers that have clips. It’s better to leave the brackets on briefly, especially at the beginning. Five minutes should be enough at first. Clamping for too long can lead to tissue death, so as always, take it slowly and pay attention to the body of the submissive part.
Alcohol
Nothing against a glass of champagne to take away some of the tension, but BDSM and not having a clear mind don’t belong together. However, for example, a woman has four lips and only the two on her face are taboo when it comes to alcohol. Alcohol can be very stimulating. But please start gently, for example with a martini or vodka. It burns and promotes blood circulation. It’s best to moisten a tissue with it and then rub it in.
(See also: 9 repurposed items from the hardware store)
Execution
Tying up for the first time
Finally, we come to the exciting part. Fixating someone is a lot of fun. You gain not only mental but also physical control over the other person. But it’s not entirely without risk.
If a bound person’s limbs become blue, cold or numb, untie them immediately! In order for this to be noticed in time, the dominant partner must check regularly and the submissive must tell when he or she feels a strong tingling or numb feeling. Sorry, but once again it’s safety first.
Some things are taboo because they are too dangerous. Do not leave the person alone, even for a short time. However, you can pretend to leave the room to increase the tension. That is allowed and good. Don’t tie your neck, something like this requires experience and knowledge of what exactly is happening and in which places. The head must not hang over an edge or be tied with the face on a soft surface. Epileptics should not restrain themselves or be restrained.
Okay, now for the fun factor. Handcuffs look great, but you should be careful, especially with cheap versions. The edges are often quite sharp and the shackles do not lock correctly, so that play can cause abrasions. They can also put pressure on your nerves and are not really comfortable in the long run. There should always be two keys and one kept in a fixed place. I can advise against the silk scarf. It looks great, but they can cut into the skin and are difficult to get rid of tight knots.
No matter what you tie with, you should have a good pair of scissors nearby so you can quickly open the knot. If one is not available, a knife will also work. So that blood circulation is not hindered and the knot can be cut open, it doesn’t hurt if the tied person has some space. Polyester ropes are not ideal, but they work.
One should aim to fixate using as large a surface area as possible. If you happen to have hemp rope or cotton rope on hand, you can even use these to better effect. My favorite, however, is the belt from bathrobes. The fluffier, the more comfortable, and they are long and still quite durable. At least, this variant I have used occasionally over the past few years. If you enjoy fixating, for 25 to 40 euros you can find very usable leather cuffs. You just need to know where.
Hitting for the first time
So one of them is supposed to be tortured a little, well, let’s see what you have at hand. Sorry, but first the safety regulations again: No hitting on the head, neck, joints and the kidney area. The face can be slapped with the hand, but this should be discussed carefully with the partner.
It is advisable to warm up the skin with light blows from the flat hand or another soft object until it is well circulated. The best control can be achieved with your own hand. You can feel very well how strong it is and can imagine how it might feel on the other side. Suitable areas for spanking are the buttocks, as well as the upper back, thighs, and calves.
So, the skin is now slightly red and therefore well supplied with blood. If you want, you can now increase it a little. The use of a ruler, wooden spoon or wooden hairbrush should be limited to the bottom as they are quite hard. Everyone knows the wet drying towel from little teasing in the kitchen. The belt can be pulled out of your pants with one pull, then you form a loop and can use it to force your partner a little harder. Scratching and biting are allowed, but if done more intensively, marks are sure to be left behind. If you want to go to the sauna or swimming pool in the next few days, you should think twice.
Playing with words for the first time
Finally, there’s the mental imagery. If you master the game with it, you can significantly increase the intensity of play. Try to create the game so that the submissive part doesn’t always know what will happen next. Playing with the senses is particularly suitable here. If you enjoy verbal degradation, clarify which words are allowed and which are not. As the dominant part, pay special attention to the other person’s reaction when verbally humiliating them and avoid humiliations involving things that are more directly personal, such as fat, dumb, ugly, and similar. On the other hand, terms like slut, whore, and others can indeed be well-received.
For example, I personally call a partner “my bitch” to show that she is only with me and for me and not for everyone. Afterwards, talk about what you felt, because words can sometimes hurt much more than punches.
Accidents
Mistakes can always happen. If it is a real accident and there is a serious injury, even if it is only suspected, call an ambulance or go to the hospital.
Don’t make up stories here, it will come out and the doctors can only help you quickly if they know exactly how it happened. Don’t worry, people will have seen much worse and more bizarre things than the two of you and they are sworn to secrecy.
Recognize a crash in time
If there is an emotional drop, show that you’re there for the other person. Embrace them, comfort them, stroke them, and talk to them. The more senses you engage, the quicker you’ll reach them. You can notice such a crash when the submissive part suddenly becomes quiet, starts crying in a classic manner, or shrinks inward. It may not always be a crash, but if you lack experience in distinguishing between a crash and “flying,” assume the more severe scenario.
(See also: Aftercare – What it comes down to)
Please follow the safety instructions and otherwise have fun on your journey of discovery.
