A word that sounds like mom, like instructions, rigid rules. Something that we perceive either automatically or carelessly. However, especially when two or more people get involved with each other and then kink and BDSM come into play, the topic of personal safety should be treated anything but carelessly.
Here are eight points for your safety when dating that you need to consider before the first meeting.
1. Get yourself covered
This means that a third person knows exactly what you are doing, where you are, with whom and for how long. This can look very different, but should definitely include checking in with your guardian angel at regular times to let them know you’re okay.
You can also share your location, set an alarm clock or arrange one or more fixed call times. If you don’t keep to the agreed times, the person covering for you will call the bar, inform the police or look for you themselves.
Don’t hesitate to mention at the beginning of your date that you are being covered. This shows the other person that your safety is important to you and deters someone who may really have ulterior motives.
2. BDSM is a sexuality – not automatically sex
Sometimes the sympathy isn’t right. And sometimes you’re inclined to get involved in things anyway because the next opportunity won’t come along so quickly or you don’t want to be rude. The most important thing is never to put yourself under pressure.
Yes, you met because you’re both into BDSM. However, that doesn’t mean you automatically have to do any of it with the person. Just because you’ve talked about it before doesn’t mean you’re obligated. And just because you might be into the same thing doesn’t mean you have to do it together. Even if you actually want to have a practice or a kink with your date, it doesn’t mean that sex has to be involved.
3. Don’t reveal too much about yourself
Your data is a sensitive asset that needs to be shared carefully. Many people therefore create their own alias for community meetings. But be careful how much you reveal about yourself in other areas too. Try to create a genuine impression without making yourself discoverable. Fortunately, a lot can be anonymized.
For example, if you talk in a chat about how you like to go jogging, don’t reveal which park you run in. If you are studying, you don’t have to say whether you are at a college, university or distance learning university. Working people can be employed by many different companies.
Of course, certain things cannot be “concealed” without the flow of conversation coming to a standstill. Especially not in the age of social media. So say right from the start: “We don’t know each other and the internet is an unsafe place. I’m sure you understand that I’m holding back a bit”. If the other person responds with “Hey, you can trust me, I’m not a creepy internet stalker”, it’s better to end the conversation in a friendly manner at this point.
4. Talk beforehand
Before the first meeting, you should have spoken on the phone at least once or at least sent each other a few voice messages. Because although chat messages often seem spontaneous and honest, people often take a moment or two to read them a second, third or fourth time, change small phrases, delete words, add niceties and so on.
Every now and then you even google a topic to write a better-sounding response. But in a natural conversation, you can experience the flow of language and the way the other person formulates sentences, develops trains of thought and reacts to you, your words and thoughts. What does this have to do with security? In this way, you can also check whether the person is really the person they claim to be and watch out for so-called red flags. These are behaviors and statements that indicate a potentially problematic way of living out BDSM.
5. Set your boundaries
Decide in advance what you expect from the evening. Do you want to talk about a certain topic? Make physical contact or be back home by 10 pm at the latest? Also think about what would be a no-go for you on this evening or what would make you feel uncomfortable. This could also be a certain topic or a certain touch.
Set these boundaries for yourself and don’t be afraid to communicate them. Of course, you can shift them in the course of a successful meeting. But as a guideline, they can be a good way to give your date a certain direction.
6. Ask for consent yourself
Consent doesn’t start with playing, it starts before. We cannot emphasize this often enough and will repeat it until the last row has heard it. Setting a good example yourself sensitizes your counterpart to this behaviour. “Can I take your hand?”, “I would like to talk about this topic, do you agree?”, “Can I kiss you?”
Yes, asking for consent is sexy. It doesn’t seem like much, but consciously asking the other person for consent triggers a corresponding thought process.
7. Use your safeword
Communicate that you have a safeword and insist on it. You can use this not only in the game, but also in conversation or in another situation. For example, if you are discussing a topic that you don’t want to talk about or if someone touches you without you feeling like it. It can be as simple as that: If you don’t feel comfortable and want something to stop, say your safeword.
8. Talk to a catcher
Arrange a phone call with a trusted person after the date so that you can process the meeting and describe your first impressions. Then you can reflect on your mood, the date and your perceived confidence, you can discuss individual situations or conversations together and even gossip if necessary. Either way, it’s important to have someone to support you if you need to talk.
